Infatuation!

social responsibilities of commercial companies in modern world

2007-02-16T20:44:00.000-08:00

ok... juz needed to berate and bombard on some issues... guess i am kinda bored so this topic came up...

social responsibilities of commercial companies would pretty much means their injection into other countries not juz for the benefit of the country or the people but also towards their own designated benefits. rural areas being undeveloped as they are, needed a source of new input which time to time the government would not be able to provide at all... that is where big companies come to play, that is where monopolization and development begins. with the injection of them into these areas, three main points can be acheived or so i think la...

first would be the development of medical facilities and other areas could improve their standards of living. first and foremost would be having medical facilities which is up to the standards of the world health organization in rural areas. the development of this would indirectly lead to job vacancy which allows people to further earn a source of income to support themselves.

secondly, in order for companies to begin, most companies would alias with the government which in return brings about a turnover for the country in terms of currency. with work employment issues being improved, medical facilities built etc, the financial condition would slowly improve over time and tht would eventually lead to more investors investing or helping out the countries.

one las impt thing which i think commercial companies as part of their social responsibilities would be to provide a country with decent telecommunication technology. this could be done with the alias of the government. commercial companies could pool in their resources to take over their telecommunication lines in a bid to revaamp and also to develope an all new telecommunication line system.

k la... part 2 tml... lol... =)

once upon a time.....

2007-01-29T08:04:00.000-08:00

i have come to terms that things that i write over here would always come into public scrutinies, irregardless whether is it on frens, studies or religion. maybe closing down this blog would have done me much more benefits and save me more troubles, but upon further thoughts, i decided against it. why is tht so? well, this would be a place for me to rant, yeah, rant and rant and rant. lol...

withdrawing from the guard of honor was a painful decision, but lest i ponder over the fact tht if i do not withdraw things might turn out to be worse than i could expect for my bgr relationship. am i losing stability? maybe, i think so... lately my stress level is suffocating me... i dun even wish to think about any religion stuff anymore. it dawn on me tht whatever happens out there is no longer within my control anymore. i do not need to conform myself to any society set boundaries cause in the first lace i do not even wan to comply or concur. however at the same tiem i have to restrict myself so as not to step on the toes of my love ones. Hard time...

i received an unpleasant surprise from my one of fren recently. he posted my assumed to be true history out in his blog and said tht my gf does not wan to be his part time gf. the part tht really irks me was at least half of the facts was wrong and after consulting my gf, i managed to clear up some unnecessary misunderstandings. ito a certain extent, i tot of myself as a complete idiot. why is tht so? reason being recently i got to know tht this fren of mine is troubled, and so i asked my gf to go out and have a good chat with him... i even told my own girl tht it is ok to sacrifice our time, most impt is to help him out. unfortunately, things did not fall int he right way. instead of using common intellect to understand the situation, he blamed it on me, thinking tht it is me who stopped my gf from going out with him. i cant help to think tht this man is pretty dumb in a way. my gf, with her hectic schedule only has time for me in the night, and we dun even have the time to spare for movies and shopping or even an outing. yet this fren thinks we are enjoying and does not use his brain to think of how busy my gf was. i dun impose any restriction on my gf, she is free to go out anytime and where ever she wans. so bro, read this clearly, she doesnt need to seek my consent over anything and if she tells u she is not free u jolly well believe it cause she is studying and busy with her religion, projects and tuition. if u do not wish to acknowledge the fact tht a girl can be so busy, so be it, find someone else and stop grudging like a spoilt child. I NEVER ONCE TOLD HER NOT TO GO OUT WITH U BEFORE! MARK MY WORDS!

anyway, tht aside, i guess it is high time i need to get some fitness back. miss those days where i am fit and healthy. on the lighter note, i am going to ord in less than six months time!! YESH!! the day of freedom is approaching. I can smell the scent of books and lecture halls for it will be soon for me to step into SIM for my studies!! haha... adios folks...

useless imbecile fools

2006-08-25T10:44:00.000-07:00

Today's post is meant to target a few idiotic specs tht exists in my camp. i shall not name what is the name of my camp for i may suffer from severe consequences and amazing reactions from the government. i shall name this two guys as k and e. initially i had quite a substantial amount of respect for spec E but then his sudeen course of change in his behavior and also the overall interaction method he used on all of us has made things real sucky.

there is however one bloody fucker, spec K, an absoloute immature childish and fucking idiotic with no forms of conversational skills with the men. i dun usually use fuck in my blog but ah well, nothing is enuf to voice my displeasure against this idiot.
first of all, he uses one of our fellow mate as a example to set a benchmark standard against evrybody, making it seem if one were to take MC he is undeniably trying to malinger. somehow i wonder why is he such a idiot? i remember there was once when our fellow mate injured himself and was having difficulty moving about. yet, he inisited that my friend has to come back to camp and endorse our mc. i somehow have the temptation of puunching his face and knocking some sense into him. who is going to be responsible for our safety when we are on our way back to endorse our mc when we are ill? is it gonna be him? but upon thinking further, he is not even related to us by blood. even if something precarious were to happen to us, i guess he will juz say his favourite speech : "so?" he is irresponsible and thinks only he is faultless. fuck u understand!

second incident happened to my best buddy. the incident was minute and i shall not elaborate, but the punishment of signing three extras is simpy too much. who the hell he thinks he is? in SAF a spec is only liable to reccomend extras, not handling out or metting out the punishment as three stripes is simply too small and insignificant in power. i despise him to the core and felt tht he truely has thrown the face of guys away. why? cause he acted like a kid and not only tht, he too made the same mistake and yet escaped scot free.. one thing i always agree is if a spec wans to command respect and mett out punishment then he himself have to be a role model. in this case sadly no such attribute is evident in him as much as i wan to save my breath in lamenting him. in singapore the law has always punish policeman or law enforcers harshly when they commit mistkes tht they knew it is wrong but yet, our dear spec K escaped scot free. if my buddy has to get three extras for a mistake like this then shouldnt spec k get thrice the amount as he is a spec and yet failed to uphold his duty as a spec??

third, he is younger then us, and yet he acted as if he seen more in life than us and therefore he has the right to be flaring up from time to time. he has a famous syndrome called pms(periodic mood swing). this caused immenze discomfort among all of us. shit man, writing about this guy would probably take me three full days. i shall turn in for the day. part 2 will come tml. hahahahaha!!!

no one understands!! none!!

2006-06-21T08:11:00.000-07:00

i hate my father... i wish he will disappear... he broke y family apart, cause my house to be seriously in debt... i hate him... if he wans to divorce, pls do it fast and quick cause i dun giv a fucking damn about it... my mum is more impt than tht bastard... my pride and dignity has been stomped over today... somehow no one can ever get the severity the situation i am in... i hate it... fuck... no body gets the whole idea and i kept getting useless and redundant misunderstandings... maybe i shoud go rob a bank, get lots of cash and solve all problems... nah... thts stupid... i need cash... lots of it... more cash! my house is nder so muc debts tht i wil go nuts thinking about it.... fuck u dad!! u have a woman outside... took mum's entire savings and splurge on some china bitch... i hope she die of aids and u get ur retribution.... dad u bloody fucker!!

insane!!

2006-05-29T10:24:00.000-07:00

i am going insane, there is juz too much things going on here. My family is going through a divorce, my army life is f... up and i am not able to please my own girlfren. i dedicated every single available slot to her, despite knowing tht i should be with my mum, i did not care and still went over to her. but who is here to understand my situation?? sometimes i yearn for joan to come over my house, to accompany me juz once, but it seems until the veri end, it would still be me who is always going to her. no one is with me when i needed any help..

i dun know where i will be staying after the divorce, most prob i will be moving to another place myself for my dad will most prob be selling the flat away should the divorce takes place in the near future. there is no turning back for my family, no other alternatives.

sigh, i have tons of debts on hand to settle, who can understand? no one... i get quite jealous upon hearing one of my fren(i dun wan to name names here) brother is liike receiving a freaking thousand or should i say spends more than a thousand a month and still complain he has no cash. and when am trying to make the best out of my miserable army pay with no extra help from my family and i still have to provide for family too... all on only my army pay... damn... tht guy should learn to appreciate how lucky he is , a thousand a month as pocket money... ah well... i cant really compare afterall... at least i am better off than him, i dun live off my parents... i am no leech... haha... i provide...

anyway... miss a lot of my frens... have yet to tok to them ever since i went to aarmy... my life is basically army and girlfren... no other frens in the picture... my army mates scolded me for being a letdown as i had pang seh them like so many times until they dun wan to ask me out le... sigh... so at the end... if gf is not avalable, then it is me myself and myy basketball...

ok... nvm... i crap too much... i juz feel like killing myself./.. feel helpless over my family situation... it seems like days wun pass by without a quarrel in its midst... so what am i to do? smoke my way out of the house... situation is beyond my control... so i guess, i can only pray hard... my heart is in pain... but who understand?

religious harmony is non-existent

2005-09-29T10:11:00.000-07:00

i just had a major aguing session with my gf over the issue of religious harmony. The whole erupted because she thought tht i had regretted my decision of leaving church and converting to another religion. She assumed tht it was painful and tht i am suffering over the dilema of where should i go to. there after i assured her tht i will not be going back to my church and also not back to ssa. reason is veri simple, neither side is magnanimous enuf or should i say tht neither side is ready to embrace other religions as well.

dear, i think u have deeply misunderstood what i was driving at yesterday. it is true tht i dislike the way spsd deal with the existence of another religion. but tht doesnt mean i agree totally with mine. what i am trying to point out was everyone is wrong. Values misplaced, viewpoint differs and the last of all, no one is willing to accept another religion.

when i was still in spsd, there was a few particular incidents which made me felt veri much uncomfortable. On one occasion which was christmas, me and my frens were doing souveniors in school over at plaza. then here comes two christians coming over to giv us sweets for christmas and also inviting us over to one of the christmas gathering tht they have actually came up with. So then members of spsd rejected their offer which was completely understandable. what was not acceptable was the moment when they left, the card and the sweet became a joke for them. pple laughed and joked about it. it maybe a veri insignificant thing, but as an ex christian, i lost all forms of respect for spsd. Even my christian frens does not discriminate or joked about other religions, their gestures have let me undestand how shallow and silly the actions are. on another occasion, one member expressed his dislike for christians, the religion and also naming christians as pple who are damn good at phychoing pple to convert over to their religion. In my heart, i was thinking, if they are considered to be psychoing pple, then isnt it the same tht wen one tries to preach about ssa, they are also psychoing pple?

As a person who has crossed the threshold of two religions, naming christianity and buddhism, i can say tht there is zero harmony and acceptance between the two individuals. my gf pointed out to me tht she was pretty turned off and got scared off by christians due to their phone calls and their preaching. it suddenly come to my mind, then should not i be feeling uncomfortable wen pple come preaching to me about buddhism? my gf also pointed to me tht the way christians preached is wrong, as the words they say are "arrogant" in her eyes. so then let me juz point out one simple scenario to everyone

case a:

A is born into a buddhist environment, thought the essence of the religion. he was also encouraged to preach to more pple, to spread the word and also to let mortals know the wonders of chanting, praying, learning sutra. To A, chanting is defitnitely correct and nothing else is more correct than tht. 10 yrs down the road all teachings have been droned into his head, his values are etched deep into him with total trust for the religion.

case b:

b is born into a christian family, with him being baptised since young as an infant. there after he attends sunday school for teachings of the bible. as he matures into a man, he goes on for theological studies and learn the way of preaching the words of GOD to fellow mortals. for them to discover the joy of acknowledging God as the father and GOD being the almighty GOd. he knows well there is no other god except him alone, so values etched deep into him. he has absolute trust in his religion as well.

scenario 1:

A(buddhist) met up with b(christian) and began to preach to b about his religion, about how wondeful it is. B felt it is nonsense cause from what he knows, his religion is the rightful one and non other is the correct one. so then he listens on and left.

scenario 2:

b(christian) meets up with A(buddhist) and starts to share with him how wonderful his religion is, and tht how wondeful God is. A felt it is ridiculous, and why could b say such arrogant things. he refuse to accept what was said, listen on and left.

now if we were to analyse this two typical scenarios which is happening so so often in our daily life, one would realise one thing instantly. none of them are correct. no one is right, no one is wrong. Why do i say so? the way we preach to pple, the style, the words, the speech are all thought to us since young or by our leaders. each religion has their own different style, different ways of speaking. which in this case makes things veri complicated. take juz now the two scenarios i mentioned earlier, A trusts his religion totally, similary the case is for B. So it is completely natural for both of them to feel tht it is wrong. but, this is where conflicts will arise. A will be thinking tht b is arroagnt by proclaiming tht his religion is the one and only one, but at the same time b will also be thinking to himself tht A has fallen into a totally different world from mhim. u see the thing i am trying to point out here is no one has the right to judge whose religion is correct or wrong. Reason is simple, till the day one can show absolute concrete proof tht his or her religion is the rightful one, no one is able to proclaim tht either party is wrong. this is precisely why no one can feel angry or express dislike to another religion. If a christian cant say what he has to say about his religion jus because pple feels tht it is arrogant, then how on earth is he going to preach and spread the word????
similary, if a buddhist cannot tell pple tht praying, chanting and learning the sutras is the right way of life, how is he going to spread the word??? everyone is wrong, but no one admits to it and all because everyone feels tht his or her religion is the rightful one.

lemme ask this ques: if diffferent styles of preaching is deemed to be wrong and intursive, then why is it tht we have so many religions? the fact tht there are a lot of religions impliess tht everyone is different. with tht, it also means no one can pass any judgement like: " no, how can he say tht? so arrogant" or " who says only praying? how can he be so sure?" because we have no right to say other pple. because we muz always bear in mind tht we contribute to the whole entire worlds total religions not other religions to us.
i repeat: our religions exist for others, not to exist to prove who is right but to benefit mankind.

so then let me go back to my cruz before i sidetrack again. it is defitnitley understandable why i do not wish to go back to spsd or my christianity anymore. reason is simple, no religion has the harmony i seek. it pains me to see religious conflicts affecting peer to peer relationships. because whats the whole point of being in a religion when u found tht no one is able to embrace ur ex religion? respect doesnt come juz like that. in order for pple to respecct ur religion, first thing u muz do learn to respect others and not discrminate others. respect others and pple will learn to respect u. which sadly no one in spsd could respect christianity. sigh...

i shall carry on tml... part 1 saga ends here...

forgiveness is extinct, totally...

2005-09-24T09:35:00.001-07:00

work took its toll on me mentally and physically. i would it is not because i am weak... but rather i am lacking from a break, a well deserved break which i have lacked for so long. I desperately need some form of stress management, if not someone to assist me in getting over post ending work blues syndrom. there is simply too much unresolved issues on my mind which i am not entitled the leniency of time to solve them one by one. damn it...

as a man who tends to think a lot and ponder on issues, it suddenly dawn on me how shallow singaporeans are. Not just for locals, in this whole wide world, i would say tht most of the humans are shallow creatures with no sense of forgiveness and a magnanimous heart to accept and also to assist the ones in needy. before i actually commenced with this job, i fell out with a couple of friends. Apologies have been made and yet, it seem tht this stagnent progress will continue for enternity. working these few months has opened my eyes. pple of my working calibre are so much more decent than any of those i knew during my school days... good thing my colleagues are not as shallow as them... haha...

religions have been droning so hard into our minds tht we mus learn to forgive and accept. exactly how many pple are able to do tht? no one... no one is capable of what has been preached. if tht is the case then why practice when one knows tht he or she is unable to attain tht unattainable stage? funny pple indeed. my good frens were from a buddhist society, and base on all the teachings i have been to during those days when i was in SOKA ASSOCIATION(SPSD), benevolence and forgiveness was preached. Everyone said for world peace, for humanity, for religious harmony and also to spread the word. but in actual fact, if one is not even able to make peace with their kins or friends, why bother proclaiming and be a hypocrite? if one is not even to settle all disputes and build up a new relationship which is strong and healthy, pls dun even think about the world because one will bound to fail if he or she tries.

i remember when i was still in spsd, there was this new member who join us for a sharing session over at plaza. Everyone merely introduced themselves and then went back on to their own clogs and carry on chatting while tht poor guy was left there alone all by himself, sitting on the chair like an idiot listenning to our conversations. how insolent and shallow we are! call us practicioners? i would rather proclaim myself as none. In spsd, it suddenly become a game of popularity... how popular u are will depict how leaders are gonna poach one over to their own district. Members who have been inactive will be left alone in issolation or be pushed around by fellow leaders. this will normally leave tht person hanging halfway with no sense of directions, worsening the situation. leaders only regrets when they know tht the member is gone forever.

in christianity, we are constantly thought as well to love our brothers and sisters and also to give and forgive. As jesus has forgive our sins... but exactly how many pple could do tht? none except for God. but even so... where the hell is God when we needed him? ok... no more of him before i enter into another religious lecture. in any case, pple who proclaim they are able to forgiv and forget and accept are the worst eligible candidates.... ha... what a way to put it... but then again, christians are still in fact more benevolent and understanding than buddhist... at least they are not so shallow... in fact, they arent... haha...

if someone were to tell me tht singaporeans are kind and benevolent, i would probably tell tht person to look carefully again at singaporeans motive. what exactly is benevolence and kindness? how do we define tht? attaining the state which mother teresa has attained would then justify what is kindness, benevolence, acceptance, forgivness. if by donating a few dollars and perhaps a huge sum of money, then this world would probably be money orientated. which i guess it is already happening. why do locals donate so much during chairty shows? many pple decline tht it is the price tht pushed them on, but exactly how many pple are not tempted? there was once an interview featured in newspaper, one of the donaters said: donate more, can win more. O_o
OMG

all i gotta say is, upon seeing how members gets pushed about in spsd, how leaders wans to get them back upon realising tht their own members has actually went over to anothewr leader, i dare to say, things will only take a bad turn, not a good turn. put urself in the members shoes:
u have already settled in well, but because ur ex leader took notice of u and took u back in, causing u to plunge into a whole new unfamiliar environment, how would u feel? personally i will not have any good impression of tht leader. reason is simple, a member is not a toy which one can push to here and there.. doing so will only destry all trusty one has for the leaders and thus distant the member away from everything. and one would probably feel tht the leader has no sense of responsibility. fake is the word...

i realise tht sorry this word does not work anymore. pple will not forgiv, pple will not accept one for who he or she is... it all depends on popularity, looks, and charisma. if tht person is popular, pple will move towards one like a magnet whereas the low profile one will always be neglected. reason is simple, nobodies wans to interact as they feel tht ones mood will be affected indirectly...

humans are juz so freaking fake...

scold me if u wan for anyone of u who read this. because it is juz so true... i say what i wan... haha...

Exhaustion

2005-08-07T09:13:00.000-07:00

Ok ok, time for spring cleaning session! No more spider webs and dust! After slogging like a mad workaholic for more than five months, it suddenly dawn on me how exhausted my mind and body has become. there are a lot of things which i have yet to fufill, and time is not on my side. i tend to procrastinate my progress which makes things get done in an absurd slow way. Many times things just do not go my way, and i end up getting tangled in nasty and sticky situations.

My dear, i am sry tht u have to put up with my nasty temper lately. but do u also know tht i am on my verge of breaking down? my mind is occupied with work, and i dun hav any time for myself. Sometimes i juz wish tht u could put urself in my shoes and understand all the pain i am undergoing. certain things are beyond my means to explain to u. especially wen it comes to feelings, even mundane terms cant express what i wanted to say.

Yesterday, i went over instantly after work to meet up with my dear over at senja . the graduation ceremony was great, except for the fact tht i felt ostracised by everyone. I fel so super left out yesterday. sometimes i really ponder, does it means that a person who has been kicked out of school is someone who is inferior than others and thus derserves no fair treatment? i really dun know. but ever since i got out of poly, this nasty feeling has been sticking itself to me, no forms of consolations or encouragement could alleviate my agony. Which is also why i decided to leave spsd. i feel tht i am outsider compared to the many pple over at spsd.

i was veri reluctant to make my way down to senja as i am supposed to stay back to finish my stuff. one thing which really turns me off was wen i rush over, dear said to me: "since u got meeting then dun come lor... who ask u to skip..."
this words pierced me hard. i sacrificed my time for u, but u do not appreciste it. well done.

Sadly but truly, singaporeans are realistic creatures. wen one falls he or she will be condemmed foreva.. like i am.. a school dropout which no one respects or giv a shit about it.. i ought to go kill myself.. for being ridiculed..

Mission accomplished

2005-07-09T09:03:00.000-07:00

Ycf- youth cultural festival 2005 finally kicked start for student division today. The actual performance commenced at seven. Words are unable to display my awe and admiration for all the performers. However, there is one important factor to note and peace is the ultimate message that everyone is trying to put across the country. The show lasted for 2 hours, i was surprised for the first tme i was able to keep myself awake for a performamce like ycf.

On another note, i am glad that even though i am not a participant this round, the fact that i am still able to help out lifted my mood up. Indeed, seeing everyone jubilant and vibrant, beeming with energy, is a real encouragement to myself... Juz wanna say good job done guys!!

upon looking at my own decision, i felt at ease today. i made my promise some one month ago that once the ycf is over, my life span over at spsd will be over too.. i intend to keep my promise. people may ask, isnt it stupid to leave spsd juz over such puny matters? well, to me it isnt puny at all. to me i have always treated my frens with a true heart. especially pple from spsd, that is something which i dun deny at all. but upon seeing miko n fish still giving me cold eyes n shunning me off, my mood got affected again. two of my most dear frens, two precious gems i have lost. till date i still have no idea which part or what i have done tht has offended fish. but tht doesnt matter anymore i guess. i am over n done with spsd.

as for miko, she will carry on being my fren even if she doesnt think of me as one. as long as she is happy, that is the best consolation to me as a fren who cares for her. she is a cute n kind girl, tht i dun deny... but i harbour no feelings towards her at all. to me, frens will always be frens, i know where my line is and i will not step beyond tht boundary.

to part with spsd is something which i deem tough, but i guess working will overcome this emptiness in me... even if the misunderstandings never gets resolved, ven if i m destined never to be frens again, memories will always be here accompanying me. and i treasure every single preecious memories n moments.

Spsd, good job done!! shine bright n be the strongest seagull, with an undying spirit, never ending stamina to meet forth with new challenges everyday!!

its easier to run

2005-06-02T10:40:00.000-07:00

Finally, decisions were finalised today and no more irritating customers to come back time and time again to bother me. there was a tinge of mixed feelings when i heard what my boss spoke with regards to my performance at work. I seriously ponder on whther i should be elated or perhaps deep in reflection.

In any case, leaving spsd decision is also finalised. I sort of let go of all the heart knots inside myself. It is undeniable that i am still suffering from the aftermath of the whole episode(saga), but as i think deeper, it makes no sense to me being bothered time and time again. I mean, what do i stand to gain? nothing at all. It seems like innocent pple no longer prevails and the world is corrupted. Another reason as to why i leave is because i do not wish for my own gf to be dragged into this stupid saga as well. When someone dislike one, pple beside are bound to get affected as well. it is a cause and effect thingy, i mean, it sounds logical. if i dun like u, why would i wanna converse with u? and the fact that because u are there and all the more i dun wan to converse with ur gf, cause u r there hindering me... (think in my head)

this song describes me best....

Easier To Run Lyrics

It's easier to run, replacing this pain with something good
It's so much easier to go than face all this pain here all alone

Something has been taken from deep inside of me
A secret I've got locked away, no one can ever see
Wounds so deep they never show, they never go away
Like moving pictures in my head, for years and years they've played...

If I could change, I would, Take back the pain, I would
Retrace every wrong move that I made, I would
If I could stand up and take the blame, I would
If I could take all the shame to the grave, I would

If I could change, I would, Take back the pain, I would
Retrace every wrong move that I made, I would
If I could stand up and take the blame, I would
If I could take all the shame to the grave...

It's easier to run, replacing this pain with something good
It's so much easier to go than face all this pain here all alone

Sometimes I remember the darkness of my past
Bringing back these memories I wish I didn't have
Sometimes I think of letting go and never looking back
And never moving forward so there'd never be a path...

If I could change, I would, Take back the pain, I would
Retrace every wrong move that I made, I would
If I could stand up and take the blame, I would
If I could take all the shame to the grave, I would

If I could change, I would, Take back the pain, I would
Retrace every wrong move that I made, I would
If I could stand up and take the blame, I would
If I could take all the shame to the grave...

Just washing it aside, all of our nervousness inside
Pretending I don't feel this place is so much simpler than change...

It's easier to run, replacing this pain with something good
It's so much easier to go than face all this pain here all alone
It's easier to run...
If I could change, I would
Take back the pain, I would
Retrace every wrong move that I made...
It's easier to go...
If I could change, I would
Take back the pain, I would
Retrace every wrong move that I made, I would
If I could stand up and take the blame, I would
If I could take all the shame to the grave..

Simple life

2005-05-28T10:32:00.000-07:00

being in the line of sales is ultra exhauasting and frustrating. First u get to meet smelly customers with bad body odours, customers who request for free gifts when they know nothing comes free in this world and the worst batch, the geeks... So here i am handling idiotic customers, well done dude, an A star for me...

This was what happened today.

Customer: can i purchase a mac mini and u giv me 512mb ram upgrade for free? i pay u by credit card la... then u absorp surcharge can?

Me: no i cant sir(speaking nicely)... banks dun allow us to do that...

Customer: why cannot? other shop can lei....

Me: Then u go other shop lo....

Customer: come on la... u sure can giv one... it is only 512 right? not much what...

Me: sir, why not u buy a macdonald big mac meal and ask them to giv u an extra big mac for free? i pay u lo...

customer: giv m the package or i lodge complaint....

Me: go ahead... (woooah! this time siao liao!)

see, this is the type of customers i have to handle day by day... kinda boring m idiotic isnt it? standin whole day and toking makes one's body sets into fatigue easily. Not to mention the amount of stress i have to undertake... so what does that imply? Singaporeans have lousy consuimer behavior... they think that freebes will drop from the sky.

after working and slogging so hard or so long, i kinda yearn for a simple life. To be able to wake up everyday at eleven, seeing my own girlfren sleeping by myside, smelling the freshness of naturAe. no more parental control , where everything is only concentrated on me and my girlfren, where me n her can enjoy our own private corner, to be out of the society living in isolation and solitude. With the sea by my house and being able to go for a dive henever i yearn to, without having to worry if i have actually raised my fame or have i succeded in making my way into the top ten richest entrupenuer in singapore.

i am a man of little ambition. It doesnt imply i have no ambition but rather doing something meaningful would means having a nice faamily and a wife to standby me... thats all... simple and easy. i do not need to constantly remind myself that i ahve to do something meaningful or to create an impact so great in other pple's lifes... i just need that impact and zest for my own family. thats all...

simple life... solitude by the bays of australia, which could only be fulfilled time and time again in my wonderland....

sad.......... real sad

2005-05-13T07:24:00.000-07:00

i feel sad... it seems like i am suddenly abondoned or ostracised by all my frens... i no longer get included into outings or any activities... no one replies me wen i messaged them or tok to me... i really wonder what have i done to receive such jugdement? wat exactly did i do that wasnt pleasing in the eyes of my frens?

worst of all, some guy tried to frame me with some stupid accusations which i did not do... tell me to accept it? i cant... but at the same time, there is no way for me to explain myself except to take it all... de, fish, miko, they no longer seem to be happy to ask me out anymore... each time i tok to fish online, all that i get is me toking to myself... ask me what is going on? i dunno... i seriously have no idea... i jus wan to be on good terms with everyone...

i dun know if it is me who is thinking too much or wat... but i felt so sad...

Fate

2005-04-26T09:50:00.000-07:00

Fate is a wonderful thing which places two person together without one realising its presence at all. That was registered in my mind ages ago, but upon pondering again, it seems fate is playing a fool out of such a simple me. She called me, n i couldnt resist her request to meet me up. Amazingly, she drove over to my house upon knowing i was exhausted from a days work. So i ended up inside her car, chatting with her.

It turns out that she got attached, n she kept it from me. I was taken aback over what she told me. A mixture of angst, sadness flashed across my face. i guess it was pretty oblivious as she took noticed of that split second. So what was i to her? A substitute? Damn...

Isnt it strange that at times, pple are so afraid to speak up their mind? so they end up blogging, with the hope that someone will stumble upon this blog n discover the truth? Am i not that strange person?

I thought that we could have made it. By taking and adapting to circumstances gradually. But you protested. You disagreed. You said no. You didn't dare to try. And you dwell in your perpetual days of despair and disillusion. Worst of all, you told me that I deserved a better someone. Now.. what more can I say?

But i guess it ws a wise decision because i have found someone better n loves me more....
but... i still wanna voice out... my true voice deep in me... girl... pls dun get angry...

Nostalgic effect

2005-01-19T08:34:00.000-08:00

Hmmm, things has not been good for me at all today. This has been the first time i had such a misunderstanding with my own gf. That implies whatever i write or say may cause a huge impact on my own relationship. It is strange but this issue today has rekindled my thoughts on religion.

i was contemplating over the idea of my personal strong-headed perception of God's intangibility. If God is a person on earth, how is he able to be there for all of us. Will people have to travel across horizons just to worship and receive healing? If He is supposedly a physical being as in a real life being on earth. Logically and technically speaking, he will not be able to practice omnipresence, which will only be possible if he could travel at the speed of light. And the whole thought is pure nonsense.

Alright, let's put it this way, if he is in heaven or so he claimed, that will make some sense if we're to so call "contact" him or converse with him. its like every prayer and intercession would go through a medium, one which i coined it as space. And space is propably the jargon of the spirtual communication transmission. Ok, this is the fusion of christianity, buddhism and information technology. But thats the way i interpret things.

So you see, God's system is like our core kernel of the computer. Let me put it in layman term. This system is like our computer operating system or the OS which most of us have already recognized. (Go fcuk yourself if you don't; literally) Yes, if it sounds familar to you, it's similiar to your Windows 9X, Windows 2000, XP, Longhorn, Linux, Mac, whatsoever you may interpret it. The operating system is the foundation of the entire system and everything that build on it must operate within the priciples of its nature. Are your eyes already rolling?

I'll try making it simpler.It's just like gravity. Everyone knows that we're glued to a humongous piece of chocolate rock, because of gravity. And gradually, smart asses came up with theories and mundane terms like weight, mass, force, resistance. So we see that what's being discovered later has everything to do with the underlying nature of the system. And this system is permanent. They will probably exist till the day planet Earth scorched itself to its death. I'm not quoting these anonymously; infact they're based on certain scientific research. I'm not going to enter that right now cus I'm not a whiz in that field anyway.

Alright, enough of explaination, let us go back to the underlying principle of communication between human and God. Lets take it this way, prayers are like the commands that we key into the computer, and God in this case is the processor that takes care of all commands and requests that comes in. Take for instance God has the highest processor ever to be imagined by us mere humans, that would explain his omnipresence and his supremacy to be able to deal with every single prayer. However, that does not imply that God is obliged to answer to all prayers. Just like any other operating system, requests are grouped according to their level of importance, this theory applies remarkably true to the way God deals with mudane requests.

Take this example of a sample prayer by a foolish and shallow human:

Human: God, give me money.... money... more money

God: Put it on my waiting list pls, secretary...

thats jus an illustration, which happens to be so true time after time. as one who has cross the threshold into two seperate religions(in case u are clueless, they are buddhism and christianity), i began to probe my personal doubts. If there is a so called God existing in our life, in the heaven, why doesnt he step up and made his word clear to us mere insolent humans? if he is what religions has proclaimed to be, omnipotent, then why doesnt he destroy all false religion and make things pleasing to his eyes? The thought of all principles and morales in each and every religion gives me so much reason to doubt, exactly which is true. First of all, religions has told us repeatedly, if not trying to drone into our puny brains the core essential, and that is to have a strong faith. Secondly, religions has also proclaimed the so called miracles performed by messengers of God, but none has been able to establish actual proof that they are the rightful messengers from the rightful religions. Third, all repligions has also stressed repeatedly the importance and awe of prayers. However, if prayers are so truly awesome, then why doesnt the answer be revealed to us? All this doubts came to me, and answers that came to me too were labelled as nonsense.

Which in my sense i conclude, God may be there, but propably he is far too occupied with his own matters than to be bothered with our tiny puny mudane requests. secondly, religions that has different names are juz a scam, a way to get more believers and in hope of strengthening ones religion. In this way, they can claim supremacy and be mired as the rightful religion. Let me illustrate, take for instance in our modern world, there are western medicine and chinese mdeicine. Both types of healing methods or mdeicines cincocted are used to benefit mankind, to cure diseases and cure ailments. However, in order to be recognised and gain popularity, both sides starts to proclaim their credibility in healing one person, in return to yearn for more humans to beleive in either one of them.

this is exactly what is happening in religions. Therefore i beleive that no matter what we beleive in, till the day we die, we will face this one God, and i beleive all religions will see the same God. the reason why there is so many religions is juz because of the names given. Take away the name and bestow it "religion" , everything will make sense. The same thing as to why we have antibiotics and chinese medicine called "po chi wan". all this are just names, the underlying principle is they are still the same, they are juz medicines used to cure humans, thats all...

ok... no more nonsense... haha

Let Go

2005-01-17T20:11:00.000-08:00

A sleepless night it has been for me since that phone call that came from her. I've always thought that love songs are just some sappy tunes produced by song writers to display their desperation , in other words desperados. Till now, i finally undderstood, songs are my way of conveying my feelings and emotions when words doesnt flow. It s an indapt ability of mine to compose songs and i take pride in that. i am no desperado.

it has been four months, ivan, its nothing really.

Feels more than that to me. It feels somewhat deeper than what appears outwardly.

so what do u do? what do u see?

letting her fly on her own is what i had chosen, someone beautiful to be who has no affinity with me...

how are u moving on?

i have someone who cares for me now, i guess i shoud have gotten over it..

Are you saying?

so much for letting go....

Perhaps it has been a vicious cycle for my life to be tormented by past relationships that should have gone by. It is like little flames that has been snuffed out has been rekindled tiem after time into bigger ones. Perhaps girls are creatures who bears a hefty lot of resentment for guys... i duuno....

You entered like a fairytale
And you held my hand
You told me you loved me
But what's really love to you
You told me you needed me
But it never came true
A million steps away from me
And you said that it's all for you

We walked into the movies
And you too held my hand
I see you right to your doorstep
Right under the starry skies
You told me you loved me
But what's really love to you
You told me you needed me
But it somehow didn't came true
One night you called me
Words that sound so cold and piercing
What's really with you
And the reason that you give

I always compromise
Because I like you too
I knew that a time will come
When you'll turn just so beautiful
But the tide has changed its path
Weirdly and much senselessly
As much as I try to deny
It all just feels so true
When your voice resounds again
It undeniably keeps me warm
But nothing will be the same again
After you made that call

I never want to hurt you
I always wanted to protect you
And every word I say
Delicately, I whisper to you
There're times when I don't speak
Like are the times you ignored
But one thing I am sure
That this little fairytale
May be all I'm asking for

2004-12-26T07:05:00.000-08:00

my mum, a woman that has fantastic imagination that will juz go on and go on to scold about everything that she could possibly think of. yupz, it is true that i am at fault for getting kicked out of poly, but that doesnt neccesary means that i am totally at fault... ah well, it doesnt matter to me anymore, cause i won desire to stay back in the course anymore. in my heart the desire to move out of this house is getting stronger and stronger... once i am able to get enough money to support myself for the first two months, i will move out with no hesitation. to where i dun really know, but one thing i know is to get away from this one hell of a f up mother before i myself get crazy... listen to this conversation

mother: all ur bad result is because u go to spsd, go church, know so many girls... girls made u fail u lousy son

son: wateva... say what u want

mother: go on, go on and get attached, with ur bad results i see which girl wans u... attach somemore la, ur bad results confirm is because of ur girlfren... all because u know them thats why u even pick up smoking...

son: stop insulting my frens... (shut up la... tok so much... fuck(thinks in my mind))

mother: dun giv me this type of attitude i tell u... u beta quit either one... and stop going for all the activities.... u think going will giv u good result is it? giv u money is it? if so go ahead and dun come begging me...

son: ......(speak also no fucking use... move out beta... stop all nonsense)

this is partly why i came up with the conclusion i wanna move out... i mean... hey... this is merely 0.001% of all the words she said... creepy and infuriating right? who ever in my shoes also will get infuriated.... i am no difference... an announcement to all frens here and my girlfren also.... whoever receives call from my mum... hang up instantly and dun speak to her.... if u r my fren.... do this...

A little something

2004-12-21T09:19:00.000-08:00

I was a little bit irritated the other day when my girl told me that if i din chased her, it would have been another girl instead. The reason? all because everyone thinks i treated the other girl too nicely. Somehow it has become a rule, or so called a regulation that once a guy gets attached, he should not have very dear female frens neither should he pay attention to other girls or treat them nicely. Seriously, i dun really care about what other people is goign to say about me, because this my life, i am in control and i dun see the need to comply to some so called rules and regulations of this little conservative and out of time society... i mean, whats wrong with being nice? i can choose who i wanna be nice to right? i dun need to seek permissions anyway... hahaha... wow, my real self is coming back once again...

i guess propably girls lack of the sense of security...

well, girls tend to complicate things while guys tend to simplify things. little things that seem insignificant to us we brush it aside but when it comes to the female party, things arent simple as it is anymore.. to me? i feel that it is perfectly fine to have very very dear frens or someone important to me apart from my own girlfren... as long as i know that the one i love and treasure MOSt s my girlfren, the rest doesnt matter anymore... in any case, joan, if u are reading this, i jus wan to tell u that i had never had feelings for her before... not now not ever... the only thing that i have is brotherly and sisterly relationship.. i am jus assuming a role as a guardian angel to protect her but it is u, joan that i will giv my life to... i dedicate myself to u and u r the girl that i love... the only girl... i mean, if i had wanted i would have been a two timing goody bastard... but i am not... because i like u and thats why i choose u to be my girlfren not others... pls know where is my stand ya...

love u always and ever... ivan

A little something(continue)

2004-12-21T09:11:00.000-08:00

7 tings to note that u are fatuously in love:

1) you read up on french kissing manuals secretly without knowing why.
2)You stop doing drugs cus you are told to.
3)You miss the bus you are frantically waiting for
4)Waking up every morning with images of her fresh in ur mind
5)Ur heart beats irregularly...(dun get mistaken, it is not the fault of the fatty residues in the artery)
6)U start to take notice of ur own physical appearances more than usual
7) saying "i love u" minusing the sacrecy of the words

hmmm... in case that isnt enough,
Sometimes a little reading up should help!, i.e. you learn the basics and get the basics right, then experiment and try different styles and more advanced techniques.
The basics
1. Brush your teeth, get a good bath, nicely groomed and clean and fresh, before meeting the other person. There's nothing worse than kissing the rear end of a garbage truck
2. Get into a comfortable position - you can't kiss if your back feels like it's gonna break. Suggestion - Sit side by side on a comfy sofa.
3. Hold your lover , firmly but gently - don't cause pain. Suggestion would be to hold the shoulders, the neck or gently on the side of the face, one side or both sides.
4. Move your faces closer. Don't bump noses. Suggestion would be the guy angle his face slightly so you don't bump noses.
5. Kiss gently, normal closed lips kissing, and close your eyes. Closing your eyes increases the sensations you feel, and also sets the mood.
6. Continue kissing gently. Get comfortable with simple closed lips, lip-to-lip kissing before going anywhere else.
7. If fine till here, tentatively, slowly and lightly draw your tongue across the other person's lips.
8. Chances are from here, if the other person lightly parts her tongue, slowly explore the other person's tongue in a light licking motion.
9. The tongue has a very sensitive surface, which is why tongue to tongue is the essence of french kissing.
10. After you've tried lightly licking the other person's tongue, you can try sucking on it, wrestling with it ( see if you can hold it to the floor of her mouth ) and other things like that.
11. Explore the other areas of the mouth. Especially the roof of the mouth. Lightly lick, or tickle the area with your tongue.
12. Don't bite. whatever you do, don't bite.
13. Don't swing your tongue round and round like a windmill. Explore lightly, don't drill your way through.
14. Breathe through your nose. Breathe through your nose. I say again, breathe through your nose.
15. Follow so far? You can lightly use your hands too, lightly rubbing the other person. Suggestions, along the waist, along the back, the arms, especially the inside of the arm, the neck, maybe running your fingers through her hair. Again, don't cause pain.
16. Continue kissing.

the point is never here....

2004-12-04T08:44:00.000-08:00

today, i receive three unpleasant misunderstandings.... one from my veri good fren, the other two from my parents... somehow i am veri tred.... it seems like pple start to think worse and worse of me... i dunno why... i began to miss my frens whom i knew since i was a baby... they understood me well, and reallymiss the times when i am with them...
i began to think about moving lately... not just because i dun like my family or wat, but rather i wan to have a life of my own... perhaps it would be better for me to start afresh from all this... i love my parents, but their inability to allow me to choose my own path has really saddened me... besides that, i wish for a period of time for me to think over my future, to do some serious reflections...
layling, dun be angry, i sincerely apologise...

time is running out as i am left with one week, just one week to the result of my appeal. my next week will be a good chance for me to really cool down and think over a lot of issues... mainly spsd, my school, parents, my financial problems which has been quite serious lately and my relationship with joan... i wun go for training next week i guess... i dun have the heart to...

i am not a good boyfren...

despair... useless me....

2004-11-29T08:37:00.000-08:00

once again, i failed, failed to get back into the right tracks again. My heart sank to the bottom when i saw my results. My first thought was, why despite putting in effort i still din make it? was it because i am really so lousy? so stupid? so inferior to the rest of the pple? i dun know....

my parents screamed and kept blaming me for what has happened. Everything was pushed to me, and i have to carry every single blame myself... my determination began to waver. I tried so hard but yet i still couldnt make it, and now, i do not even know where i am going to land in. I wanted veri much to enter into SIM, to get a university degree, but much to my despair, no one in the family supports me... i am lef alone...

my parents said that why did not i perform well, why did i fail, why cant i juz get good results. My parents even said that it is my fault that i cant enter into jc... hello, fuck, it was them who tookaway my chance, it was them who stopped me from appealing in when my coach could... i could have used basketball to enter... it was a 100% can lor... stop pushing all the blame to me...

sometimes i juz feel that i am always walking in the shadows of my parents. i am always dicdated to study this, to do what they see best in their eyes, but not something which i wan to pursue... i hate this type of life. i had made a wrong move, and it has cost me a hefty two years, i do not wat to make any more wrong decisions. but even with my conviction, i am still not supported by anyone... sigh......

God, can u juz tell me what lies ahaed of me? maybe it would be nicer for u to juz strike me with a lightning...

thinking, thinking, thinking....

2004-11-04T05:59:00.000-08:00

lately i have been pondering over a lot of issues, issues that revel around bgr, friendship and studies. I just had a catch up session with layling today, and i raised up some questions that have been pondering my mind. It just suddenly came to me that why am i doing so much for frens? why a i not showing enuf attention for my own gf? i dun know... there just seems to be a heartknot in my mind.

layling said that i should not go to such extend to help "fren"... i dunno... it is not that i wan to, but i feel i am obliged to... however, i asked myself too, will i be appreciated? will that my efforts be appreciated? i dun know. i dun know at all. however, i am still praying deep in me that somehow or another my efforts will be appreciated and we will be better frens. it has been real ytough for me to have to sqeeuze out that much cash to do what i need to do... felt real helpless when my frens refuse to pay me back whjat they owed me. i dun know what else i can do except to pray for some forms of miracle...

i dun feel like toking anymore... so long....

closing to one month!

2004-10-27T20:01:00.000-07:00

it is closing to one month now, since i gotten attached. Hmmm, well, though i dun know how far i can go, or how stable our relationship will be, i believe that noentheless i will still strive eto be the best guy for her. lately exams and projects have really killed my mind. i feel like my head has been fried off. so guess what, in the midst of my exam i am stricken by GOd with food poisoning and fever. How wonderful! 0_o

its been a long time since i last enjoyed supper with my regular frens. I haven toked to sun nu and the rest lately. Wonder how are u guys doing. I cant see my tag board?? what happened? hmmm, guess it has been a long long time since i last updated my blog. well, there isnt much pple who comes up and see my blog anyway. Ha! my counter has been stuck for a long time.

anyway... time to go... i need some more rest... before i die,... jokin... i got no money to see doctor lei.... so sad case right? layling... after exam dun forget our drinking session okie? ha... been a long time since i last tok to u le... muz find one day to catch up ya... bye all..

Men are from mars, women are from venus

2004-10-07T20:44:00.000-07:00

how true exactly is it to this statement? haha, i love to say this pharse, particularly because women possesses such eccentric thoughts time to time. Ha, oops, maybe thats a wrong way of saying but hmmm, well, man seems to have trouble understanding what a woman wants. Basically, after getting attached again, i felt that i seem to have lost my touch in understanding women. Is it because i have grown less sensitive? haha... i dunno man...

in any case, i found myself getting less romantic and creative as days goes by. Initially i wanted to plan something for dear, but hmmm, nothing seems to hit my mind though. Am i getting more and more wooden block? I hope not... Ha! Right, i am down here, in class blogging yet again. It is real boring and frustrating to fing urself in a lab where there is no software for one to complete their projects. Damn, looks like i will once again be late for submission. Well, not that i can help it.

With every new beginning of a relationship comes the honeymoon period. The truth is, i am enojoying this honeymoon period though. Many girls say that guys tend to be different after the honey moon period, this is something which i beg to differ. Perhaps lets just say i am willing to do anything for the girl and perhaps girls is my achilees heel. hahaha.... anyhway, although it is a fact that pple has been droning into my mind tyo treat dear well, but hey, i will treat her well even if no one tells me to... so, dun worry bout it ya... i am not a heart breaker. ha! i am not a playboy or casanova either! ahahhaha,.,,,,

thats it for now... gtg... byez... love ya, dear...

shag to the core

2004-10-05T19:55:00.000-07:00

Wow, guess what? i slept a total of ten hours over two intervals yesterday. God knows what is happening to my increasingly tired body. I really could not stand looking into the computer anymore and so, the best available option for me is to go and sleep and tok to my dear... haha...

Went over to dear house to help her with her project and stayed over at her house. I must say i was quite amazed that iw as able to stay awake throughout the night. Though i slept a bit, but i still managed to finish up her project for her. We wanted to get some sleep but in the end she slept while i kept myself awake. Ha! Halfway through the night we actually wanted to eaat sotong balls, but guess what, i failed in cooking it and her brother ended up cooking it for em and her to eat. I felt kinda funny yesterday when is tayed at home alone. There is somewhat this yearning in me hoping to see her and also to spend the night with her. Ha, and so in the end, i ended up having a conversation with her over the phone till late in the night.

TOday is gonna be another day dedicated for doing my projects. Hmmm, i guess i am really well behind schedule to hand in all of my assignments. damn... hmmm, lets see, there is stupid flash which is due on friday, stupid weba due on friday also... plus dsal coming up so so soon... sigh... shall blog again... bye...

she's confused....

2004-09-26T19:56:00.000-07:00

i went over to harbour front to find her yesterday. and guess what? i actually told her everything and naturally i told her that i hope she would giv me and herself a chnace... though chances seem so slim, i decided to tell her honestly. because i feel that if i do not tell her, i will be seeing a chance slip past my hand, a good girl going away from me... was i rash? i dunno... i dun think i was... i knew what i wanted...

in case u guys are wondering why i deleted my last posts, hmmm, lets just say i find it pointless to voice out my grudges for pple to read... sounds like i am a spoilt brat refusing to come to light with life... so, no more self pitying... i need to get back to the me i was half a year ago... the one full of confidence and strive, the one that isnt afraid of losing and one thaat wins... well, i guess, if i were to move her, to touch her heart, i will have to show her who i was and my true self... this period of sadness has to go away... guess if "u" read this, pls really believe that i will not be going on drinking my life away and smoking my days pass... i promised that i will change and i will... but hope u will really try to trust me and believe in me... =)

i know that u need time also... but just hope... hmmm... it would be ur hand that i will be holding in the future... haha... ok ok... a bit the mushy right? nvm.... haha....

ivan is back!

.........

2004-09-23T01:29:00.000-07:00

she said it, i respect her decision. I din wan to but i told her it is ok. She did not say anything else except a sorry. my tears have answered my heart... i dun know what to say to her at that point of time excet for agreeing and telling her to take care. I was pretty much stunned at what she said. i messaged a few of my frens, wanting to tok to them, but to no avial, din mange to.

it suddenly dawn on me how lonely and helpless i can be when i needed help. Joan was there to help, and not that i dun wan to tok to her about this, but somehow, facing her, i just cant speak out my agonies. messaged four person last night, only two replied and these two is none other than my sun nu and joan... guess i should be happy that at least they still replied... i am sad... real sad....

relationships never have an affinity with me... maybe i am not suited for any.... angie... if u ever come to my blog... i juz want to say i am waiting... will be waiting...

love u...

Thank You!

2004-09-20T04:13:00.000-07:00

A big thank you to all who turn up on saturday for my birthday. Thanks for coming, haha, i had a nice time, serious. Till here, i wan to specially thank layling for her cae and concern. I know i was dead drunk, but i was still sober enuf to know that layling was beside me, holding me. Thanks man, i was lucky not to have puked again, if not i cant imagine what will happen man. Happy birthday to u! Layling!

Second thanks goes to joan, for her endless support and the times where she always accompanied when i needed someone there for me. Hey, ur prezzie veri nice u know, haha, i din choose the wrong one. Muacks! Thanks!! Though i dun remember what i said to u during the time when i was walking to the mrt, i hope i din say anything wrong... haha!!

Ah gong, fish, debbie and my dear sun nu, thanks for that photo frame and the shirt. I liked it, ha! the cake was nice too, though i wasted it all due to my puking, still the tot was all that it counts i believe. (i din know u two can scream so loudly also, scared me sia) ha!!
haha, also dunno why i became so lo suo, so naggy... haha....

big thanks to everyone la... so strange man, today is my birthday and i am at home staring at my computer.... haha... what a day...

Unhappy birthday

2004-09-19T09:37:00.000-07:00

hmmm, it has been a day since yesterday. i guess yesterday i really disgraced myself in front of all my friends. Well, there is just a thousand and one problems in my head and the most impt person did not come. That really broke my heart. But still, i did not expect myself to puke la, i know partly is because my stomach was close to emptiness, so no choice the wine sets in real fast. I dunno why, but i just felt so lonely all of a sudden. It was as though i am all alone in thihs world. Maybe i am thinking too much, but, well, just felt it that way.

i woke up today, with a mind that tells me to say sorry to the pple who i have troubled yesterday. i dun know why, but just kept smsing the pple. sorry to the pple who thinks i am a bit lo suo today, din mean for that. i wanted to find someone to tok to, but to no avail, failed. Maybe u might be wondering, joan is a good listening ear ma, why not tok to her instead? well, i did ask her out in the afternoon, but just could not start the topic, cause i fear i might break down.

gosh, until now i still dunno what i said last night... i hope i did not blabber nonsense, nor made anyone unhappy or wat. Anyway, happy birthday to myself.

dreadful night....

2004-09-18T10:02:00.000-07:00

i lost control once again tonit... worse still, it is in front of all my impt frens... i hate it... why am i such a loser... why did i show them all my sorrows and sadness... why did i have to drown my sorrows? all becausae i could not find a way out at all... fuck it la... from now on, it shall be me, to conqier all my problems myself... maybe keeing everything to myself is much beta... maybe not telling ym mum stuff is much beta... maybe not telling anyone anything is much beta... maybe being alaone is beta... i dunno... i dunno at all... i dunno what i should do at all... my birthday did not turn out as happy as i wanted... sian la... i hate it...

Fact of the day

2004-09-16T20:19:00.000-07:00

I am a lazy person by nature... and so i dont really enjoy updating my blog too often. This week has been totally crap to me. I felt i had wasted this one whole week away like it is my own declared holiday. Hmmm, maybe it is my upcoming birthday that is affecting me. Ha! boy, am i goiung nuts about it. Alright lets see, tml the day commences with sun tanning session at sentosa, follow by maybe a not so fufilling dinner over at harbour front and it shall end with the finale which is k box session till 2 am in the morning!! Yea!! *Applause*

Ok, i am nuts, mny first paper is due on next week friday which is like less than nine days to study and i have not even touched my notes even once. Ha! My god!! Imagine having a total of twelve chapters and ten practicals to study for. Even a sane person will go mad! I mean i weill, personally, because that subject is none other than my nemesis, WEBA! Notice how sinister the words are? My god!! Looks like satan is smiling at me saying to me that: hahaha, ivan, fail it!"

As usual, plain old crappy me, toking plain old crappy nonsense. Well, what to do? The lesson has bored me to my tears and i am suffering from a damn bad hangover. Cannot take it man, should not have gone over to paulenar. That stupid max, made me drink his unfinished bottle of vodka, trying to make my liver fry.

i do feel much beta today, not that i am trying to put up a flse front to show pple but rather the one and only thing i could do is to pray and to have lots of patience in waiting for her. It is that simple, i believe...

Fact of the day: the song (Its you) was written just for Angie.
my new song (Its ur heart) was written to symbolise my patience and love her.

Loving with my heart

You set me apart,
gave me a new life,
filled with compassion, changing me new,
Show me ur love, i wanna hold u,
establish ur truth, u all that i have

That i may dwell in ur midst forever,
loving u all day...
loving u, with all my heart
that i may stay by ur side foreva,
embracing u whole day...
loving u, with all my heart

i look back once more,
i start reminicing,
memories flow, my love is in stored
all of my days, i wanna love u
the love we once shared, thats all that i have, ohh have...

That i may dwell in ur midst forever,
loving u all day...
loving u, with all my heart
that i may stay by ur side foreva,
embracing u whole day...
loving u, with all my heart

(Bridge)

angel, may god guide ur way,
sweet anointing teach ur heart
our love will stay!!

drowning my sorrows

2004-09-13T00:35:00.000-07:00

Its been 12 days since i last saw her. I heeded layling's advice and gave her a call. Unfortunately, auntie told me she does not wish to receive any phone calls as yet. A sudden gush of depression sets in quietly. There were times when i wanted so much to go over to her place, but the fear in me stopped me from doing so. Am i wrong in doing so? i ahve no answer for myself. the yearning in me is still burning with much intensity. The fire in me grows each day. i dun know how to confide my problems to people. All i know is to keep tem to myself and show a happy me whn i am with my frens. It is pointless to drag everybody's mood down just because of me.

I dun remember since when i started to drown my sorrows by alcohol. yes, i am escaping from reality, escaping form the various number 0f struggles that is bogging me down. i feel suffocated lately, i just need a break and my solace is alcohol. returning home dead drunk every night is not bringing a positive testimonial for my parents. Mum as usual went on speaking her mother tounge, in hope that she can drown me with all her scoldings. i can swim okie... haha!

Hmmm, though i dun enjoy getting drunk, but the highness that alcohol gives relieves of my stress temporarily. It may not be the best way, but at least i can find myself moving on. there is just so much problems here for me. Sigh... tonit shall be another night of drinking session. I am not wallowing in self pity, i am just finding a way to relax my drowning mind.

Angie is constantly in my mind, even when i sleep she never fails to appears in my dreams. i dreamt of her last night. It wasnt a sweet dream, mnore like a nightmare. i woke up, crying to myself, all alone...

How are you?

2004-09-02T23:28:00.000-07:00

Its been three days since she has been discharged from the hospital. I really wonder how is she doing. Through these three days i messaged her twice but to my dismay, i received no reply at all. Somehow my confidence and faith towards this relationship has shaken. I am seriously worried for her. Auntie told me that she still suffers from nightmares even after she has reached home. No one knows how much i yearn to be by her side. HOwever, i fear that my presence will only unrevel the incident to her again. Sigh...

I told my mum to call of my birthday celebration yesterday. She asked me why, "Boy why suddenly u want to cancel it?" i gave my mum some lame excuse saying that i have got exams during that period and would not be able to host any celebration. However, the real reason behind this is the fact that Angie will not be coming for my birthday celebration. Whats the point of celebrating without her? It is meaningless to me. Somehow this year's birthday is one of the saddest birthday i ever have to face. Sigh...

I really want to thank Joan for accompanying me yesterday. Thanks a lot... i felt much better after that. Though i know u may not have noticeed, but i was real depressed that day. Thanks a lot. Anyway, joan, if u are reading this now, i have a piece of bad news. The doctor over at NUS have confirmed my health condition. Doc told me that he will continue to prescribe medcine for me, hopefully this will be enuf to curb my present condition or else, i will have to commence treatment over at dialysis centre beggining of october. I am scared, sad and helpless. God knows what is lying in store for this wretched life of mine. Sigh...

Exam is tml nine o clock but here i am, with thousands and thousands of questions and doubts in my mind. I am unable to concentrate, to even do a simple revision. My body may be at home, but my mind has wandered off to Angie's house. I dunno if this is wrong of me, but i jus want to see her, even from one corner, thats all i ask for. sigh...

I am not being over possesive, just being anxious and concern over her.

This song is for u Angie...

Insatiable

When moonlight crawls along the street
Chasing away the summer heat
Footsteps outside somewhere below
The world revolves, I let it go
We build our church above the street
We practice love between these sheets
The candy sweetness scent of youIt bathes my skin,
I’m stained in you
And all I have to do is hold you
There’s a racin’ within my heart
And I am barely touchin’ you

Turn the lights down low
Take it off,
let me show
My love for you Insatiable
Turn me on,
never stop Wanna taste every drop
My love for you Insatiable

Oh, yeah
The moonlight plays upon your skin
A kiss that lingers takes me in
I fall asleep inside of you
There are no words, there’s only truth
Breathe in, breathe out, there is no sound
We move together up and down
We levitate, our bodies soar
Our feet don’t even touch the floor
But nobody knows you like I do
‘Cause the world may not understand
But I grow stronger in your hands

Turn the lights down low
Take it off,
let me show
My love for you Insatiable
Turn me on, never stop
Wanna taste every drop
My love for you Insatiable
Turn the lights down low
Take it off, let me show
My love for you Insatiable

Turn me on, never stop
Wanna taste every drop
My love for you Insatiable,

baby
Oh, yeah

We never sleep,
we’re always holding hands
Kissin’ for hours, talkin’, makin’ plans
I feel like a better man
Just being in the same room
We never sleep, there’s just so much to do
So much to say
Can’t close my eyes when I’m with you
Insatiable the way I’m lovin’ you
Ooh, ooh, baby Yeah, baby, oh

Turn the lights down low
Take it off, let me show
My love for you Insatiable
Turn me on, never stop
Wanna taste every drop
My love for you Insatiable
Turn the lights down low
Take it off, let me show
My love for you Insatiable
Turn me on, never stop
Wanna taste every drop
My love for you Insatiable, baby

take care

2004-08-30T09:55:00.000-07:00

she's discharged. Yupz, she is. after meeting layling up to pass her the survey form, i made a trip down to the hospital. Well, i did not let her know that i was there. Perhaps it is the fear in me that she will turn a blind eye to me. Ben spoke to me last night regarding our relationship. Though i wasnt too happy with what he has said to me, nevertheless i am grateful to him for his care and concern.

Auntie told me that angie is having a good progress in terms of recovery. however, deep down i know that she is having ahard time. It is true, from the many times i visited her, i could see that there wasnt a night where she could have a good night rest. she is still veri much traumatised by that incident. i guess the only thing i could do now is to pray for her. for i really donot know what else i could do for her.

my mind is in a swirl now. I could not concentrate on my upcoming exams which will commence in two days time. Damn.. there is just too much questions and troubles in me. I feel suffocated. There have been times when i wanted to seek solace, to confide my problems with frens, but will they understand what i am going through? i dun know... dun know at all... perhaps it would be beta to keep everything within myself.

-lostboy-

seperation

2004-08-29T19:31:00.000-07:00

i went over to visit her last night. Upon reaching her room, i lost all courage to enter her room. I just stood outside quietly, looking into her room, gazing at her face as she slept. tears dropped again as i stood rooted to the spot, looking at how much pain she went through. She seems so frail and fragile now, like a little doll that was broken. my mind is desvastated.

Throughout this while, i had tried everything i could to cheer her up, but it seems all so futile. there is nothing much i feel i could do. as her boyfren i feel so useless and helpless. no one understood what i am going through. jain fu told me that i mjaybe sticking too much to her that caused her rejection towards me. but seriously, what else do u expect me to do? how can i not be by her side at this moment?

it sucks, i hate to be stuck in situations where i cant advance nor retreat. Visiting her daily seems wrong and yet not being by her side seems wrong too. So what the hell am i suppose to do? thoughts ran wild in my mind. I sat silently outside her room for the whole night yesterday. I didnt have the strength to step inside neither the courage to leave. i yearned so desperately for her to recover, to be back the same old self she was, but god seems to be playing tricks time and time again on me.

Something struck me, and that word was seperation. Maybe jian fu was right, if things arent working out, why not just retreat for the time being? Sounds easy, but i dun think i could do that. i really wonder what will happen to our relationship? what is goiong to happen in the future. there is so much agony and pain in me which words just could no longer describe. God, show me your way...

anger

2004-08-19T00:31:00.000-07:00

I am going crazy... angie has met with a mishap... argh!!

just as things are falling into the right track, my good fren, or what it was in the past actually hurt angeline. That fucker, not only did he caused a permanent mental scar in angie but he also hurt her physically!! Yes, he almost raped her. I was in a complete shock when i reached the hospital yesterday night. I could not beleive that this has happened and it is actually my gf that was involved. Angie was in a state of shock and she would not stop screaming whenever she sees someone enter into the ward. It was the first time i saw her went mad. She could not even recognise me. My heart bled. I cried. I dunno what to do. No matter wat i say, she would not respond. she just cuddled herself into a ball on the bed, crying, screaming and thrashing her limbs wildly whenever someone gets close. she could not even recognise me..... not even me.... why.... why.... i dunno... i cant stop crying, just cant... i couldnt speak, cant even get myself moving, the docs gave her two jabs to stabalise her. i went into shock myself. First thing that came to my mind was to find that fucker.

i sense the anger in me building up. i feel my hands crying out to me, telling me to kill that fucker. i feel like i am going crazy. i had never lost my cool before, not like this case. i dunno what i will do once i lose my own sensibility and senses. angie, will u pls take a look at me?? pls for god sake, i am calling out to u!! i cant stop crying... why mus this happen?? why!!??

sorry...

2004-08-12T19:30:00.000-07:00

yo miko... real sorry for what happened to ur computer man... din mean for it to happen... will do everything within my means to bring ur com back to normal... sorry hor...

Low morale

2004-08-12T00:54:00.000-07:00

i dun really know what has gotten into me, but i felt rather lost this semester. I really could not catch up with what the class is teaching, or rather should i say i had lost the spirit in me to carry on studying this course. Hmmm, it is veri reare of me to give up so easily but i just could not get myself standing up with courage and telling myself, " yes, ivan, u will get good grades this semester" a lot of things are bogging my mind and i just could not calm my unsettled mind down.

I dun wish to go on like this, but somehow i just feel so deflated. i kept giving myself false hopes but it doesnt seem to be helping as well. Lecturers do not like me, partly i know that i myself is at fault for not doing my work. Why did things turn out this way? why did i become so bad?? Why am i such a weak person?? Where have all my past efforts go to?? Where? WHere? Where?

i cant help but feel so alone at this period of time. I cant mix in with my class, not because i am not on good terms with them, but, it is just that i feel so inferior to them. Each time i step into my class, i feel i am the weakest and lousiest person in my class. Weba teacher toked to me the other day, he said that though he has submitted a report that was reasonably good, but the upper level pple did not feel justified and asked him to review my case again. Shit, fcuk, damn... so what the hell is going on actually?

without even embarking on this last battle to fnish my studies, i feel i have lost half of it already. I could not untie the knot in my heart and i beleive no one can help me. I tried so desperately hard but it jus doesnt seem to help. Its been a long time since i feel myself sinking into depression. Sigh, god, show me some answers will ya.. tell me how should i get myself up... i hate myself...

Wednesday

2004-08-06T02:39:00.000-07:00

I regretted my actions yesterday towards my mum. Somehow i wasnt able to control my own temper and i shouted at her over the phone. Hmmm, guess i am a bad child afterall. i did not return home last night as i just could not bear to step into the house. Firstly, i wan to avoid having another clash with my mum. Secondly, due to the lack of usage of internet, i had no choice but to make a trip down over to angie house. it has been a real long time since i last accompanied her. i guess i had neglected her quite a bit.

Angie is on her way to a speedy recovery And this is something that has really lifted my mood up. She tried hard to cheer me up, and well, just looking at her lifts my spirit high. She looked real cute last night wearing that braggy pyjamas of hers. angie is a girl that is so cute yet fragile like a piece of glass. Which is why i cant bear to do anything that may cause her to be unhappy. She was quite surprised by my turn up last night as she thought that i would be over at amanda's place. I was really glad that she understood my intentions of going over to amanda's house. Her understanding was so much appreiciated.

As usual, we talked and chatted till late in the night amidst my project which i was rushing over at her house. i told her how i felt yesterday after toking to liyi the other day. to tell the truth, i am still unable to heal completely from the break up between me and liyi. Liyi looked real weary the other day when we met up. it really tore my heart apart to hear how she has been doing. Her results has been slipping from what i knew from kel... i really hope she could pick herself up for there is a lot of other good guys, pple that are much much better than me. Liyi, do u know how much i wan to say "sorry" to u? i din meant to hurt u in the first place but if nothing but pain is going to come out of this relationship, i would rather end it.

will i ever have another chance to be good frens with u again? i dun know. i seriously dun know. All i know is to write down my thougts that has been in my mind all this while since we broke up.
I had once loved u real dearly, however, i realised too that what i had for u was more of a sister to a brother relationship. i really wan to hug u and tell u in ur ears all my thoughts, all my regrets but i know that it is impossible. Sorry for everything that i have done.

Forgive me... i am sorry...

man loses cool

2004-08-02T23:57:00.000-07:00

Yup.... i lost my cool totally today this morning. I never knew i would be so disrespectful to my parents. I kinda regret my actions this morning. However, i feel that if i do not speak out how i felt to my mum, nothing will ever get going. It is such a crazy morning. It so happen that when i woke up, my hair was standing up like soldiers on a parade ground. They were standing up high into the sky and of course, they were spiky. So mum happily came in and started to shout and scream saying that i look like some little punkster. Then she went on and on insulting all of my frens, saying that i always mix in with bad company. SOunds normal right? well, it is not.

if things had been like this i would not even lose my cool. It was only when she said that i was trying to drive her to her grave and screamed that she would rather not have me as her son that really broke my heart. These are words that are real harsh. I really could not stand it anymore. Then on and on she went on to say how much money she has wasted on me, how a great soender i am and stuff. In the beginning i was already down with muscle ache and fever, making me easily frustrated. Her scolding was like a c4 bomb that wreaked all my self control. I lost it all.

i went into my room, took my wallet and threw all my atm, debit cards back over to her. I feel that if she really feels that i am wasting her money, then what for do i still need these cards for? i do not need them at all. and so i went out of the house penniless. I could not be bothered with her. it is so so sickenning. I really dun comprehend her thoughts at all! What more does she expects? I had already paid my own school fees, paid my own handphone bills and transport my self. Not to mention my daily expenses, so what exactly is she unhappy about??

One blow doesnt seem really enough as another blow soon came by. On sunday, i went out with kel and gang. So guess what? Liyi was there as well. Right, so everything juz came flowing back to my mind like a submarine decending up the sea. It took me so long to get over her, but somehow upon seeing her, i could no longer hold it. I felt immense amount of pain. I find it hard to maintain a simling face in front of all my frens anymore. It is such a tiring task. But what else can i do besides trying to be ahppy?

sigh.,............

family

2004-08-01T09:52:00.000-07:00

somehow i admire my frens whenever they tell me how understanding their parents are or how caring their parents are. Somehow i failed to comprehend what exactly my parents are thinking. It is real hard to emphatise them when all they know is non-stop reprimanding. sometimes i really wonder what exactly did i did that make them so fed up with me. I really could not understand. I really detest staying at home nowadays. it is not that i fear facing my mum, but rather it is the fear of more and more arguments breaking out unnecessarily that makes me hesitant of going back home.

am i a failure? in someways i do feel i am when i see how bad my relationship is with my parents. sigh... i really just dun understand why my mum seem to be so ever angry at me. She seems to be angry over the most tiny weeny bit of things. NOthing is pleasing in her eyes. Scolding, screaming and shouting became her mother tounge. although i felt bad for ignoring her yesterday after the ndp and went over to stay at amanda's hse, i felt that it was the only thing i could do at that moment of anger.

I felt strange yesterday myself too. Instead of calling angie up to go oevr to her place, i chose to go over to ade's place instead. i dun know man. perhaps it is due to her inability to emphatise my situation that i dcided not to go over to her house. Ade stayed up whole night with me and tried her best to calm me down. somehow i really feel so down. i hugged her as i cried out my helplessness and agony. Home to me is just like another form of prison which i dun enjoy going back at all. I do not undestand why i have been thinking this way. I have always regard myself as someone who is mature enough to handle relationships as well as my family. But somehow that picture is gone, gone from the grasp of my hands.

hmmm, i guess i am simply thinking too much. No one is perfect, and everyone has his or her set of weakenesses. I just hope that i am able to mature to be a stronger person, a person of solid goals and resolutions and someone who is able to perfect himself from his weakenesses.

long and boring day....

2004-07-28T23:44:00.000-07:00

what a day man, i am down here in the com lab typing and trying to update my blog. Well, i have not done it for sucha freaking long time. YUpz, i went over to k union with milo yesterday. However, it was such a disappointing day for me yesterday. My voice sounded like a toad and i could not even sing some of my favourite songs. damn, i guess i should just resume my lessons for vocal and singing. so sian lor... now then i relise how freaking thin and how lousy i am wheneveer i am inside an air conditioned environment. My mouth was literally trembling as i struggled to sing finish the song. Milo, hope ur ears still okie ya!

what a hilarious hair cut i had! after singing i decided i should go for a hair cut. It is now or never. However, my dearest sam wasnt in to do my hair cut. So i decided to go over to white link for my cut. What i did not forsee is that i actually fell asleep! And the worst part? I told my hairdresser to give me a "reasonable" Short hair cut. GUess what she did? She grabbed a pile of my precious hair and went "zipp"! My heart bled when i woke up to find my hair standing up by itself without having to even apply any wax! Argh! Bad bad....

Angie broke into a series of hysterical laughter when she saw my new hair style! She said i look like a little boy!! What the hell!! Argh!! Next time i shall stay fully awake for any more haircuts!

myself...

2004-07-22T22:57:00.000-07:00

when i set myself to do something, i will do my best... but studying IT has taken away my confidence. i feel lost in this semester. I feel myself getting moody easily.
-Sad-

Bgr is tiring...

2004-07-18T19:35:00.000-07:00

Indeed, i am so tired out by all the commotion lately. It seems like my life has become veri inbalanced just so suddenly. It is not that i find it a chore to take care of my gf, in fact, i enjoy going over to accompany her. But somehow i just could not get ample amount of rest that my body is in need. oh well, maybe i shall just skip school today and go home for my beauty sleep! ha!

Saturday's NE show was simply fantastic. I would say B2 is one of the most enthu group around! Ha! The guys were all cheering and singing and jokin around after the whole NE show. I was pretty amused by them. Ha! To see the success and to share the success of the whole NE show was just another encouragement to myself that all the hard work that we had all placed in these times were not wasted at all.

Sometimes a woman just like to complicate things. No wonder they say guys are from Mars and girls are from Venus. Hell true! It was her who broke my heart in the first place. It was her who made me wait for 5 years before telling me that all is impossible between the two of us. She said she loved me but gave me nothing. So why is she trying to make me feel guilty? Am i suppose to be the bad guy now? This is all just damn stupid!

All that i wan to do now is to devote all my time towards angie. She needs me at this point of time and i need her myself too. She is the one for me, and i believe it so deeply in my heart.

there it goes... there it goes again...

2004-07-13T22:50:00.000-07:00

Okie, i am broke once again, but hey, this time it is not me that is on the spending spree but rather it was due to immense amount of cash i poll out to help angie with the repairs of her poor car. Hmmm, maybe u might think that i am a bit crazy to go to such an extend to help her but i feel that it is my duty as a boyfren to aid and help her whenever i can. After all, the car was bought under her, and her mum did not even help her a bit. my poor angie has to pay everything all by herself.

However, consolation came when i found out that she could get compensation from the guy that caused her this fateful accident. i was pretty happy cause at least my poor gf dun need to spend so much cash. She is not even working now and so money is pretty tight for her. Well, i still feel sad lately each time i see her, but each time i am there by her side, i feel that both of us has grown strongedr in our relationship together. ha...

hmmm, but i still feel so down. I really wonder when can i ever save back the cash to show my mum that i did not misuse the money in my account. I am nearing to less than two hundred left in my poor account. i didn't realsie that repairing a car would cost as much as a few thousand dollars. okie, not to mention of course the insurance company which we could claim back part of the hefty sum of repair fee we have to pay. overall, it is still a thousand and above...

i miss my palm tungsten e so so much. Ha... I am toking nonsense again...

Settled...

2004-07-11T19:20:00.000-07:00

alright, it has been such a long time since i last updated. Well, basically, i am stripped of the chance to use my dearest desktop, due to the fact that i have not bought my funiture. Yup, i am broke and therefore, furniture is out of question, and so, i cant set up my desktop. Life sucks totally without a computer. It sucks!! Ha!

I still feel sad even though it has been a week since i moved from my old house to the new one. guess wat, it actually took me three good days to get a good night rest. It just feels so funny to sleep in a whole new environment. HA! The irritating part is the packing up part.

Things wasnt smooth sailing for me at all. Just as i was going to find my girlfren on thursday night, she got herself into a serious car accident which renendered her bedridden. Sigh, she has got a fractured arm, along with cuts and other injuries. My heart bled when i saw her in the hospital. which was why despite being veri tired each day after school and ndp training, i will still make the effort to travel to NUH and take care of her. I know that Angie is in a lot of pain, and the pain killers are not working at all. Each time she knows i am coming, she will force herself to smile and put up a flase front to reassure me that she is alright. It really pains me to see her because i know that she is in a lot of pain. i cried the day when i saw her for the first time. eating was difficult for her as she could only move one arm. Of course, if i am there, feeding her is a must. i dun wan her to move and injure herself. sigh, as her boyfren, i felt so useless that i cant do much for her apart from staying over there everyday, accompanying her and toking to her. Even visiting the toilet was difficult for her. Sigh....

I feel so down....

-Senseless-

2004-06-26T09:58:00.000-07:00

Senseless, totally senseless, once again i am subjected to a crazy dream of mine. I guess it is inevitable for such a dream to appear for a person who thinks a lot like me. I woke up in disbelief, totally amused at what a dream i had. In my dream, I saw benny, and ed over at angie home. Ben and ed were holding a live chicken and discussing how to kill it. Then came faith with a knife and sadistically killing th helpless chicken while the rest(jp, nick, eric, weizheng, amanda) carries on watching television. What a dream!

Well, apart from that, i just had a thrashing out session with my mum. I anticipated for this moment for quite sometime. I was right, both of us had so much of steam to let out that it was pretty heated from the way we communicated.

Mum says she doesnt like my way of life, saying that it is indecent and stuff. basically, everything that i did was unpleasant in the eyes of hers. Be it going out with frens, my sports life style, my night life, studies, everything was nonsensical in the eyes of hers. Well, there is nothing much that i could do as well, i guess. Hmmm, am i really wrong? I dun know at all. I mean, whats exactly wrong with indulging in healthy activities like wakeboarding, scuba diving, basketball, gym and many more? Mum kept on emphasising that i have not been home for a decent meal since the holidays started but for as long as i could remember, no one ever made the effort to sit down and have a meal together as a family.

Another thing that incurred her wrath was my social circle of frens. In the past she always detest all my male frens from poly and jc. No matter how much i explain and tried to change her opinions, it just seems that her perceptions will forever be the same. Ok, fine, so i started to hang out more with girls and stuff. Then came were the non stop droning that the girls i hang out with are not decent and wild. It seems no matter who i hang out with, she will be unhappy from the start to the end. What kind of nonsense is that? God! Knock some sense into my mum will ya?

For as long as i can recall, all my female frens are all from veri well established backgrounds. Pple like amanda, xy, my gf and many many more. They are musically inclined, talented and well educated. So wat is she unhappy about? I dun understand at all. What made me so pissed up was even SpSd frens were spared from that robotic mouth of hers. Argh! Sooner or later i will go crazy from all of her nonsense. Dad din caree much about my frens. Apart from telling me nicely to come home earlier next time and try to make an effort to stay at home, he basically kept quiet most of the time. Dad gives me immense amount of freedom which i admit i tend to misuse from time to time.

freedom to me is like gold and precious treasure. Reason ebing that i did not enjoy all this since young. At the same time, i enjoy being out in the night. I am a night based person by nature. Well, thats me. Ha! Hmmm, well, i guess it is only at night when i can really relax myself. I like the night, i like the quietness, the mysterious aura that only night time could give me. I realised that i cant do without my freedom. Lets jus say that i am a person who is in control of my life. although it is right that parents are the ones who have control over their children but i am a person who wans to be in control of my own life. I cant stand it when my parents always tells me what i should do and what i should not. I am old enuf to decide for myself as well as being independant.

The only thing which i admit i had overdone is my clubbing lifestyle. For that i am willing to change. I guess parents will always be worried for the safety for their children. Indeed, i spent a long time outside today after thrashing things with my mum. I reflected and thought what exactly caused this great change between me and my mum. I guess mum feels veri much insecured. Parents who only have one son will either give them immense freedom or over control them. For my case, mum is being veri protective towards me since young. I really respect and love her for her concern but i guess once a child grows up, excess amount of control will only cause a child to be more and more rebellious. i do not wish myself to step into this rebellious stage. I wish to handle this more maturely as an adult and try to undestand my mum at the same time. Though it is a real tough goal to acheive but i am willing to take up the challenge.

back!

2004-06-24T09:17:00.001-07:00

okie, i am back to singapore finally. Guess what, i was a good boy to stay at home tonight with no activities like clubbing and stuff. i guess my mum needed that bit of security from this bad son of hers. However, my return brought to me certain amount of "bad" news. Firstly, the most important issue is of course family.

Dad had sold of our flat, and well, i will be moving to a smaller five room flat over at chua chu kang. To tell the truth, i am reluctant to leave my present home. Alright, i am a bit spoiled, i enjoy being in a big house but on top of that, i am attached to this home. I mean, come on, this is my home for the past ten years! However, upon looking the big picture, i am glad that my dad has crossed over his bad patch of time. Thank God that my family is safe and sound.

Second thing is bout me and my frens, and i mean all of my frens. i had a long talk with one of my spsd fren today. He gave me a lot of advice as well as pointed out what were my mistakes and faults. I was suprised that i accepted all of it easily. well, i was aware that sometimes i tend to leave out pple unknowingly when i interact with other pple. Which was why some of my frens were not veri happy with the way i handle stuff. Hmmm, guess i have to change on that. Just want to saay sorry to pple whom i have left out and just want to say that it is not intentional. Sorry bout it.

sometimes upon reflecting, i find that i over done myself sometimes when i mix in with different frens. One main issue is with the girls especially. Hmmm, pple tend to ovelook the fact that i am mixing in not because i am a CH guy. I mean, whats wrong with knowing girls beta? buT, i also find myself getting too attached with them, as a result, i neglected the guys. Guess it is time for me to change...

I mis my gf a lot. Hmmm, lets just say i am still veri much in my honey moon period. SOmetimes i feel a bit insecure of myself. Reason being i feel a bit inferior as compared to her but i guess relationship doesnt just revel around physical status, qualifications and looks. I really hope i can grow to be a more mature man, to be able to take care of her and also learn how to make my relationship a succesful one. i am pretty skeptical about relationships because i have been hurt b4 and i do not wish for that to happen...

Am i thinking too much again? Oh my! Bad habit of mine... HA!

Worried!

2004-06-18T09:06:00.000-07:00

I am worried, i am seriously. Should i head my way back? Lots of things boggin my mind now after that call from mum. First thing that she told me was bad news that really destroyed all my mood. She told me that dad is not feeling well and that we will be moving house due to unforseen financial crisis. Shit man, what am i suppose to do?? I feel like an ant on running around in a hot pot.

For a long time i have not been a good son to my mum or dad, not showering them with the concern and care that they will need from me as their son. dad is not in good health condition, and for the first time i felt fear arising from deep within me. I am worried.

i am at a loss....

Attached!!

2004-06-17T23:05:00.000-07:00

Wow, i must say london is so so spetecular! I been to so many places to shop, take pictures and also not forgetting about food! Most important of all, i am attached!
Oh yes i am! I won her heart! HA! It felt so special, so mystical when i prompted her the question. I waited for quite sometime for this day i think. To think the amount of effort i placed to create the atmosphere and also the right timing to ask her was pretty tiring, but, everything was worthwhile. ha!

Hmmm, lets see, angie was lured out of the house early in the morning by ade to go shopping. During this period of time, the lights arrivied and everyone set on the task to design the lights on the outside of her house. It was a lucky thing that her house was a small villa, giving me enough space to form the words "i love u" with the lights that i bought. It was so tiring la. Even with the help of the workers that came delivering the lights, all of us were so freaking shag at the end of it. It was veri veri amazing. Right after i am done with the lightings, i bathed, changed and went to pick angie up for dinner.

Alright, here comes the fun part. We went to Ritz restaurant to have a perfect five course meal. It was so nice! I am at a loss of words to describe the food. Ha! During dinner, she suspected something was "wrong", but kept quiet. It was so funny looking at her expression. Ok, dinner always comes with dessert and i booked a place at The Orangery which is located at Kensington Palace for one of the most sumptous desseert i ever ate! Marvelous!

Timing is so so delicate in my case. Reason being that i have to reach back to the villa before she does. Lucky thing matt came to fetch me while i sent angie back home on a cab. Angie gave me a blur look. I assured her that i was going to get some stuff and told her to be on her way home first. She did and matt drove at a shocking speed to send me home asap. Okie, i was quite lucky to have made it in the end. Then, i rushed to get the lights working and hiding myself inside the house waiting for her. Angeline was so shocked when i switched on the lights when she got off the cab. She just stared and stared. then i came out, went up to her and hugged her, whispering into her ear asking her the question. I dun know why but i cried. Ha! my tears are like free one lor.

My question was met with a nod and a light reply from her. I lost track of time and both of us just stood outside the house hugging and looking at the lights. I never felt so happy b4. Is happy the right word? Hmmm, but anyway, the night din just end here. HA, but i shall just stop here. It is indeed a bit too mushy to record all down into my blog. Ha!

Love u foreva Angie! =)

Bye bloggy....

2004-06-12T11:11:00.000-07:00

Okie, from today, i will not be touching my favourite computer for quite sometime. So the same would go for my blog, i will not be updating it fr quite sometime. I am excited, so freaking exhilerated about my trip tml. The thought of being able to spend quality times with angie has made my heart glowed. I look forward to the trip a lot.

As for the ndp trainings and also my participation, i guess it would be inevitable if i could not attend or even take part due to the clash between my trip and the trainings. Well, there is nothing much i could do as well, but whateva it is, i will pray for things to turn out well for me. I dun wish to be taken out, not after i have went through so much of trainings. I mean i can always come back early, but, angie is juz too precious to me at this moment. I placed her as one of my top piorites even though ndp is just as impt. Well, guys are all the same i guess. When it comes to chasing after a girl or spending time with someone they like, nothing else matters at all to them. At least i am one of them. Ha!

i planned a suprise for angie, i wonder what will her reaction be when she finds out what has been installed for her. However, to plan this surprise, i paid quite a huge "price" and i do mean Price! It is so ex lor. Ha! Howeva, i feel that it is all worth it, i mean, this is nothing compared to the sacrifices she or me will do for each other. Ha!

I wonder why i felt so different this time. I mean, it is not as though i have never went overseeas b4, but it just feels like the pinnacle of my life. Strange, veri strabge indeed. Ha! Anyway, i have to go. Hmmm, if i ever get to go online over there, i will most prob blog again. But, till then, blogging will stop. Ha!

Hmmm....

2004-06-11T09:17:00.000-07:00

Did i do something wrong? Hmmmm... it seems like layling is not veri friendly towards me these few days. Hmmm... Maybe i am thinking too much. Besides, she has a boyfriend already ma, so what can i expect man? Ha, i guess i lost out a good supper partner, now that she's attached and has lesser time. Maintaining friendship isnt something which i am good at i guess. Hmmm, but seriously, i look forward to be able to tok to layling over coffee b4 i go overseas. Why? MAybe i juz wan to seek some advice from pple that are more experienced. I find it esier to tok to her. HA!

Had a tiring day out today. With barely six hours of sleep, i went on to sentosa to sun tan and stuff. I feel quite shag out today to be honest, but... i forced myself on and on. I mean, i dun wan to see the mood of all of us go down ma. But anyway, it is an eventful trip in the end. Sinful times came as we went on to have sinful chocolates at bakers inn. It is fabulous.

I just hope that wen i return from my trip i will be able to tok to layleng one day over coffee... haha... Frens should always keep in contact one ma... Whats wrong with my language today? So broken... haha... dots all over the place... Important fren she is to me... haha... I think i am thinking too much! ha! Later angie get jealous... haaha!

Give me some peace...

2004-06-10T09:04:00.000-07:00

Give me some peace, my ears are so tired. Could u pls stop drumming my ears with ur useless and nonsensical lecturing? I know what i am doing and i am not doing any wrong. So stop using me as ur toy for venting ur frustration. I am not ur toy for that. Mum, i respect u as my mother but soemtimes ur drumming just comes at the veri wrong time. I dun need it at all. Not even daddy is saying anything. Well, at least Dad is more reasonable to sit down with me for a cup of coffee and tok to me nicely. Unlike for my mum who would just pop out of nowhere and start her endless droning like a machine. Siao lor...

I have been so stressed out over the past few days. Just as i was able to relax myself for that bit, there she goes again, spoiling my mood that was slightly lifted up during a karaoke session this afternoon. I mean, if u want to tell me something, why not do it nicely? Must u shout and scream? It is veri disturbing. Well, even though i am good at stoning and turn a blind eye to my surroundings, sometimes she just makes my blood boil!

See, i am delayed because of her. I cant even go to angeline house at the time i had promsied her i would. I admit that i am wrong for not staying at home and be a good boy. However, why cant my mum come to terms that i am a responsible guy who doesnt get into trouble? Is it my fault to be occupied with activities? No! I should get to enjoy as much as i can! Life is only there once! I should make full use of it and not leaving it there to rot and be a goody mummy's boy. It is real boring to only study and stay at home. It is just like a prisoner improsoned in his own home, how pathetic!

However, i was pretty glad that i was able to relax my vexed up and fatigue mind over k box today! it was pretty fun! ha! I din know that zihui has such a good vocal power and that she sounded like sun yanzi. I was stunned when i knew it was her. Maybe i should tell my teacher about zihui. Teacher would probably groom her into a star in the nearby future. Ha! i really cant sing today. I think i am atrocious... Sianzz.... I was so disappointed in myself in my singing today. Maybe i should go back for more lessons to improve myself. HA!

sigh....

2004-06-09T07:56:00.000-07:00

i spent the whle of last night tossing and turning around in my bed. I simply cant get myself into slumberland without remembering unwanted images flashing around in my eyes. I am so painful. Can anyone help me? I cant feel my own heart since monday. I feel strange. Two days without sleep and i am still hanging on, but how much more can i go? i dun know, i really dun know...

I went over to angeline's house this morning. Howevea, i froze at her gate, and i stood there for a veri long time not daring to press the door bell. I was somewhat scared and tired. I din even notice that rain was pouring from the sky. in less than ten minutes i was as wet as a pail of soaked clothes. Still i din mmove. I felt it was as though the sky is crying on my behalf. i stood crying alone in the rain. I cant control myself at all. And just like this, i stood for two hours.

Angie's maid came out and she saw me. She was kinda shocked. She went in to call for angeline. Angeline was so shocked to see me dreched outside alone. She rushed out without even taking umbrella and pulled me into her house. I din feel cold nor sick despite all the rain and all the wind. I felt a strange warmth rising from within wen i saw angeline. i went to take a bath and i was so groggy wen i came out of the bathroom. i was damn tired. Just like that i feel asleep on angie's couch(a chair that can be used for sleeping... extendable type...). it was veri nice of her to put a blanket overme...

i fell into a deep sleep. i guess only angie has the power to relax my tense up mind. thank u angie... thanx for tolerating my dumbness and sadness. sometimes, i just feel that caring for someone can be so painful sometimes, especially when that person means a lot to u. but is also through this times where one finds the happiness within and that is what that makes everything so special. i feel tired and painful, angie... can u open up this daed lock within myself? am i hopeless?

the answer is out... somewhere...

Love and Openess

2004-06-08T06:06:00.000-07:00

HAha, i hope there is such a word as openess. I am just so lazy to go and check the dictionary. I spent the whole day talking to jian fu about a lot of things but mainly love and openess is the thing i stress about a lot. Indeed, true love drives all fear away and only by being open to people and the world around u can one make changes in his or her life. True, how true indeed.

I begin to think a lot today, espcially people that are precious to me during this period of time. I came to terms of how fortunate and blessed i am, not because of how rich i am but rather all the frens and people that are around my life throughout this period of time. Though i hurt a few but they are still precious to me. I just wan to say i am real sorry to weizhen and liyi for hurting them last few months. Especially to liyi, sorry... sorry... I failed to be my part as a bf to her and caused hurt to her even wen she sacrificed a lot for me. Memories will forever be etched in my mind.

At the same time, i am also veri grateful to frens who stood by me and have built a much stronger frendship with me. My frens since young like angeline, amanda, xy, matthew, weizheng, wilson etc. Not forgetting frens from my secondary and my JC fens as well... People dfrom SAjc, Jurong JC: weiting, layshan, guan rui, desmond, weiguang, etc. YUpz, and i am glad that i have becoame more and more open and truthful to myself over this period of time. i am able to mature and grow, to learn how to have good human relationship with pple. Just wan to thank God that i have found a new batch of frens, and they are my frens from SpSD. Though i am not close to everyone in there, but i must say i have found a few frens who i can tok heart to heart. Or so i think... hahaha! Hmmm, lets see, they are layleng(spelled it right finally), jianfu, joan, kelvin.

HOwever, the person that cuased the most change in me during these few months wa ANgeline(not the church one... pls). Is it the poweer of love? i dunno, but i know that i cant afford to lose her at this current juncture. It is not that i have treated her as my everything, but just that she is someone real special and someone who i will wish to spend my rest of my life with. Ha! Am i thinking too far? haha... As said, love is powerful, love is the basic of all humans. Love drives out all fear! ha!

Hmmm, think i should just write this down as well. I dreamt of weizhen last night. She seemed so demure and pure. I was kinda awed by the presence of her. Both of us were standing in a MRT train. I wanted to call her name, but find myself having reservations and did not speak. What happenes next i am not sure. My dreams are always like this, being unable to recall everything when i wake up in the morning. It just feels like an old movie playing, with errors in the middle. Which is why i enjoyed sleeping so much SOMETIMES.... I like to be in a movie... hahahaha... Well, i can only remember bits and pieces. At last she left, i wanted to stop her but stood rooted to the bloody ground. Next thing i knew it?

I am awake. Bleh!

Back!

2004-06-06T10:08:00.000-07:00

Hmmm, it has been quite some days since i last updated my blog. I was so so tired for the past few days that i forgot to even on my dear computer. Well, i just installed a new software that changed my entire windows Skin to a brand new image. so cool! I felt so shag after the chionging session i had with debra and gang... The girls were like little mad ladies that went on laughing and runnning and stuff after they were drunnk... so funny... Hmmm, i am feeling a little moody now. Ha, i dun know why too....

I am feeling so mixed up now. I lost quite a lot of sleep thinking of relationships. Well, it is not that i am rushing or anything, but i just want to sort out my thoughts before i make any choice. Seeing as more and more of my frens get attached one by one, i felt strange that i am still single. It is not that i am some Despo that is in need of girls, but rather, there are just somethings if i do not cherish it, it will be gone sonner or later. Time does not wait for anyone, not for me at least, which is why i feel that i should made up my mind: to give up totally on weizhen and start a new relationship with angeline, or treat everything between me and angie as a dream and carry on waiting for weizhen. I am confused!

The time when i really confirmed my own feelings was during the period of time when i fell sick with fever. though it was just two days, but throughout that two days, she came over to accompany me and stayed over at my house. I felt so sweet and soothing during those two days for she provided the care and warmth i needed that time and it was also that time when i really told myself that she has to be the one for me. Despite the fact that she has to work, she still came and slept here with the risk of catching the fever has really moved me a lot...

The fact that angeline gave me such obvious hint that she is ready to start out the relationship with me made me nervous. It is not that i dun like her, but, i just felt something is not right. I am lacking of confidence. I went out with angeline today for lunch and some shopping. There was two times where i held her hand unknowingly and she did not reject my advances towards her. I felt so amazing each time i am with her, especially today. It is a fact that it is a mutual thing between the both of us that we like each other, but i guess it is me that is not doing the initiation. There has been a couple of times where she came over my house to stay over as well as brought me over to her house for dinner(meet the parents), things are so obvious now but i juz dun know why i am not doing anything... i am really damn slow...

I once told myself that for her, i would do anything, anything to bring her happiness and to be truthful to her always. I want to uphold my own promise and which is why i am trying so hard to forget about weizhen. Maybe i should just make myself clear to her. i dun wan to lose angie, never. I love her, i really do and i love her with my life.

Why? I dun Understand my feelings.....

2004-06-03T09:52:00.000-07:00

I felt so strange. I dun undertstand myself at all. After what she told me, i felt a sudden urge in me to confess how i felt. I felt real strange, it is like part of me is gone, i could not feel my heart at all. feel so awful now. Do i like her? I dun know at all. I really dun know. And what was worse was i had to act like i am so happy in front of her, i have to show that i am fine, nothing much is wrong. I hate this! Especially just now, I had such a hard time trying to cope with the fact that, ya, she is gone liao, Ivan give it up la!

Through this few months, i found myself getting moe and more confused. there are so much feelings in me that i had hide in myself, not daring to face them or to deal with it, only when the worst has happened only do i learn to regret my decisions. Argh! Throughout this times, i have learnt to accept the fact that she is important in my heart And i cant deny it at all. I cant sleep tonit, not a way can i fall asleep without the words ringing constantly. I am not heartbroken, but just felt sad and i dun know how to describe it. Limited vocabulary for me.

Love is blind indeed, love is also misleading and i come to terms that one do have the possibilty of liking more than one person at the same time. What makes it different is just the degree of love one has for the other. What am i thinking?? what is wrong with me?? Sigh......

Injuries, injured, injure

2004-05-31T06:40:00.000-07:00

Yupz, the title says it all. I am thorughly injured today during training session. I don't know what happened, but i do know that i got hit on my head, shoulders, back, knees and ankles. Man, sitting down and writing my blog is so painful. I cant look up straight neither could i bend my back. Sobz...

However, consolation for today is, i managed to be the top scorer of the day! Yeah! I was happy at my achievement for today, even though it is just a training session. Perhaps i just wan to regain back my reputation, after the loss which happened two weeks ago. Hoever, there is a price to pay for being the best, and that is injuries will look for u even if u do not wish for them. the first one i suffered was a headshot by a rebound that richocieted off the board. Wham! there it goes and i was stunned for a seconds. It hurts big time. Then came my fren trying to outrebound me but ends up hitting my shoulders. Well, i guess i am just unlucky. Rebounds is a taboo to me now! Ha! i have that invisible phobia after today, reason being that i sprained my knee yet again for a stupid rebound. ha!

tml is going to be boring day for me yet again. Why do i say so? Reason being that i am having nothing to do except to eat sleep and watch tv. What a bummer lifestyle i must say. Hopefully i can gain some weight over these period. Well, i might drop by the gym for some easy arm exercise tml, no running of course. I need a job desperately! Argh!!!!

damn!

2004-05-30T07:49:00.000-07:00

blog is not working again!! why??

Enriching nite!

2004-05-29T09:28:00.000-07:00

What a day it was for me, although there was a few things that dampened my mood that little bit. Angeline was astonishingly pretty today! Ok ok, i am not some tigo, but i must say she really have a wonderful body, and that brought out the whole gown's unique quality! I almost fumbled at today's dance, but i was lead back on by angeline. She is a good dancer and of course, a beautiful partner.

I must say, i am a bit shagged out today. Imagine waking up at eight in the morning and only returning home like twelve? Anyone will feel tired. I went to the book fair with a few of my spsd frens today. It was pretty boring i must say. There was no books that caught my attention apart for this basketball hop that appeared in my eyes at the corner of the book fair. I asked joan to accompany me to the basketball section. well, u know, the hop wasnt that tall and so i attempted to dunk. Ha! Guess what, i over jumped the hop. My hand went all the way up, the hop was too short le and as a result, the hop almost toppled. So paiseh la!
Then as usual, we went walking a bit aimlessly and kill the time till it was time for me to go.

Ok, i was late, late as in i reached angeline place late. However, the situation was all under control cause i had booked a cab before hand. Ha! I won be able to forget today! ha! I mean though it is not the first time i had been intimate with angie, but the dance was so sweet, so amazing. I never knew holding someone that u like and dancing away can be so magical. I lost track of my surroundings during the dance, all i know was to look into her eyes! Did i mention i almost melted? yupz... my heart did. It has been a while since i had such wondeful feelings, since weizhen torn my heart apart. i am glad that i had found such a nice girl, even though i am not sure if she feels the same way as i do. I could still remember what angeline saID to me during the trip: "ivan, even if she doesnt wants u, that doesnt mean others will do the same. At least i am not one and i am here for u.

HA! i can sleep sweetly tonit!!

Mixed feelings

2004-05-28T07:52:00.000-07:00

I am feeling so freaking vexed up now. What was meant to be a happy day for me tml will turn out unhappy for me. Why? Reason being i was reprimanded by my parents for opening a new line under starhub and they had amde a big fuss out of it. I can understand their concern for me, but, still i felt it was a bit too much. i mean, it is true that i had not made payment and the letter came to my house but so what? I can always pay later. It is not that i won have any cash to pay but because pple owe me cash that disallow me to make my payment asap. whats more after buying the gown for dear angie, i am left with mere peanuts in my account. Right, so now the whole family says i am the inconsiderate, immature child that doesnt know what is right and what is wrong. What the hell lor!

I feel like a ballon that has been inflated and deflated in the air. This feeling sucks big time. Even though i had angeline's confirmation that she is going tml and we will be having a great time, but, this scolding really came at the wrong timing. Whats worse is my Dad threatened to confiscate my phone if he finds out any other thing. Argh!! Why starhub so lousy one! Sianzz.....

lousy.......

2004-05-26T09:57:00.000-07:00

nothing much to say tonit, i got bad results. i hate myself.

Broke, Ha!

2004-05-24T08:47:00.000-07:00

Okie, lets see, i finally gotten my haircut done by my hairdresser Sam and well, i spent $30 for a simple haircut. Dinner was simple with laksa, wat else can i eat besides thAt?? i Am broke ma. haha... What a boring day it has been for me, i was bored to my tears. A sigh of relief came for me when faith asked me out to go do some window shopping. Argh!! this time of Bummer lifestyle must end!! Ha!

For three hours i went walking around Orchard with faith. Orchard is boring! I almost felt the whole place is the back of my palm. looking back, i have been there almost everyday. So sian right? However, the crux of it is, Faith is one of the most experienced shoppers around and shopping with her never fails to lift my mood up. I tried some clothes on, but felt so disgusted cause of my stupid hair!

right, wat about dinner? Well, since Faith has to go off, I went to look for Joan to have dinner. I really have to thank her, cause without her aid, my hair would be still as long as ever. Laska was quite nice, except the fact i still dislike "ham".. yucks..
I feel so fresh now, with lesser hair on my head makes me feel so much cooler after all. It was such a hassle having such long hair! 3 reasons why it was irritating:

1) wax runs out freakingly fast! It cost my $25 a bottle!
2) Requires extra time to wash my hair
3) Requires more time to style it! So mafan!!

yupz, so as result of this, i told Sam to give me a short haircut. True enough, i have such short hair that stands up by itself. Haha!

a child no more....

2004-05-23T10:16:00.000-07:00

Responsibility is an inborn attribute of every human being. It is important to practice it frequently. However, i guesed i made my parents sad, fact being that i was not very responsible towards my actions. this resulted in them getting worried for my safety for the past two days. Indeed, i treated the home like some hotel, coming back only to bath and change and disppearing the moment i had changed my clothes and gotten my stuff. For these past few days, i had only stayed at home for good half an hour. My dad told me today: son, do not treat ur home like a hotel. I felt guilty....

Guess what, i went to chiong again, yet again yesterday without any single minute of sleep. Not just that, i indulge in absolute vodka and flaming lambo, making me a pauper in less then three hours. Now then i know why i have big holes in between my fingers... Cash is never my good fren, ha! I think i have gone sa bit mad these few days. gastric pain and alcohol is still pouring into my poor stomach, sigh. Maybe one of these days i should ask debra, zihui, layling, desman and all to go chiong again... its pretty fun dancing with them! ha!

I went to see angeline today. Both of us had a real fun time walking around orchard and of course, not to forget the most impt thing: food!! I went with her to Crystal jade today, along with a few of my frens for a sumptous meal. Man, u know what, the unexpected happened again: Gastric is back!! I cant seem to eat anytthing, each time something goes into my stomach, my gastric pain will be torment my poor soul. Excruciating pain!!

Angeline was so funny today. I brought her all around heeren and wiama shopping for clothes. guess wat? She was so stunningly beautiful when i asked her to go and try on a gown! Well, i am having a dinner pretty soon, so i asked her to be my dance partner! ha! She thought the gown looked veri ugly, then almost went back straight in to change again. hahahaha!! so funny, her facial expressions. Then of course, i am buying her a gown. Look forward to that day!! Well, in the end i brought her to Flamingo Bridal. Hey Hey, i brought her there to see gowns, but not wedding gowns. So in the end i chose a real nice gown for her, she tried it on, it was NICE! She felt that it was too expensive and so she rejected it, i did not force her as well. But, haha, i planned a surprise for her, ya, i ordered it and i have it sent to her home. Wonder what will she feel later when she sees it. Guess it will be one week before the gown will reach her place ba?

k la... i damn tired liao... no mood to write le.. nitez everybody!

tired, real tired....

2004-05-21T14:28:00.000-07:00

phew... damn tired... not sleeping after chionging at night with a few of spsd frens, took half of my life away. I am really old, body is so freaking rusty... hahaha... Look at me, old liao. To tell the truth, i dun know if i shold be happy or sad that all of them went with me to the chocolate buffet. Ha... Spent a lot!! ha!

i was surprised at how debra drank alcohol, it was as though it was plain water, but of course, she was so dizzy after that. Imagine, i was damn worried when i saw those guys getting so close up to her. Well, no guys at clubs are of any good, oops, am i referring to myself also?? haha, i dun know. anyway, was glad that all of us danced to our hearts out, been a long tie since i last enjoed myself at a club .

Angeline cAME back tonit, but, strangely, i did not go and meet her despite her messages to me requesting to meet up. ha! i guess i really made her sd today. Bad Bad me. i am uncertain should i make my move to get close to her a not. part of me is feeling veri scared, weizhen is still strong in my heart. Anyway, guess it is time i drew myself out of SPSd, not because the people there is not nice, or i dun like being with them, but, i have reasons that only i know. Some reasons that made me feel so stressed up each time i go for anything related to SPSD. just wanna say thanks for knowing all of them though they could not hear wat i am saying now. I will probably quit NDP, even though it is not my principal to do that, but, i guess i dun have much choice as well.

gtg le... Morning!! haha!!

tears....

2004-05-19T10:04:00.001-07:00

After watching the anime, i suddenly realise that i still could not let go of that feeling towards weizhen. The liking is still strong here, deep down, cant let go at all. I feel so depressed and upset suddenly, i mean, i am trying so hard to forget about her, trying to start al over again. BUt, why, why am i not being able to do so??

Tonit, tears flow freely........

Girls~

2004-05-18T09:42:00.000-07:00

Ha, another day passed again, and i am still rotting like a tomato. HA... Finally, i had wat is called a decent meal, yupz and i do mean decent! How bout this, a nice plate of seafood e mian, served along with a nice plate of chicken chop rice, ended wth a nice cooling bowl of ice longan topped with delicious nata de coco. Look at that! Sumptous!! Yummy!!

Alright, back to the topic again, as i was saying, Girls can be so fun to be with but yet, at times it is a headache to be with them as well. Why? well, basically because i came across a few incidents that changed my perceptions about girls. there are basically four types of girls which i derived:

-Cute Girls-

Dun really need a description, do they? Well, cute girls are girls like angie, yujie etc. Cute on the outisde, cuter in the inside. They know how to presnt themselves well, as well as being cute at the same time.. hahaha....

-Naughty girls-

Naughty girls? Well, my baby cousin fits in. Such a naughty girl she is man, came into my room without any notice, took my dearest Sony Headphones and tore the cotton part of the earphone!! Could u imagine the blood that poured out of my heart?? i could feel her literally tearing my heart.. next time i shall spank bad janey in her bottom! HA! Am i evil?

-Bad Girls-

Girls who give kisses and hugs to strangers in attempt to hook for a free drink or mug them of their riches. Bad, bad, veri bad!! My fren almost thought i was a loose guy when a girl came smooching at me during dirty dancing at SOS. sigh, wat have gotten into girls nowadays?

-Special girls-

girls that are unigue and there are none like them at all. so far, i have only came across one special girl, and her name is angeline! special always in my heart!

yuup! basically thats it, summing up for today. I guess i do have a speedy recovery! Judging from the amount of food that i have eaten during supper juz now with joan and layling. Hmmm, almost forgot, i was supposed to share with joan m bitter six year relationship with this girl name weizhen. Typing this name reminds me of all the little little things that both of us been through. From the first time i said to her, I love u, to the time she said back to me, "Sorry, but i dun think we are suited for one and other", many things have happened. Well, to be honest, i was pretty depressed for a period of time, especially after she said those unkind words to me. It affected my exams so so much!! looking back, six years passed, till now, i guess i did not grow much in terms of spiritual development. wat pains me the most was the way she treated me after i waited for her for three long years! i did not change my heart, never have i once fall for another girl, but such is the truth of life. However, one consolation, i found angie, someone real special to me, and i hope i would not get hurt again, not anymore i hope.

LIFE SUCKS BIG TIME!!

down down down

2004-05-17T08:21:00.000-07:00

YUp, as the title suggested, i am down with fever. not just that, all the past accumulated illness came back all at once! my god! Could u imagine how jia lat i feel now? I feel like a piece of rotten tomato! Ha! took me so much energy to wake up, sit by this com and write my blog. Phew, i guess i am old.

i feel so sad! I made a pact with angie that we would go and enjoy ourselves in malaysia, but the looks of my body condition and my face, doesnt seem very much positive for any overseas trip. I missed her so so much!! Sigh....

Dun really know wat to write, all i know is i am feeling so freaking hot, weak, coughing, shivering and all sorts of funny symtoms. Damn, should have taken care of myself when i could, wished i had listened to my friends advices... I hope i can recover in time on friday, even if i cant, at least bless me with the strength to go out. I really hope to be able to fufill the chocolate buffet outing. i mean, not just for myself, but for everyone as well! Just hope that everyone could have some fun...

alright... this is it, i cant go on... my head is too painful!! GTG!!!!

phew... finally, a good night rest!

2004-05-15T08:36:00.000-07:00

Phew, never knew my body has grown so freaking weak over this period. All i know for the past one over week was to play and play, and seriously, i have neglected my poor body. Sob Sob... But, hey, now comes the time for me to take a nice good break from all the hectic lifestyle and enjoy a cooing night of sleep. HA!

Just came back from supper with my SPSD frens, i did not ate much. In fact, all i had was some miserable Longans and a nice cup of beer(though it really sucks big time). I kind of marvelled at the change that has gotten over me these while. Many people say that i have become a bad boy, one that always go clubbing, picking up girls, indulging in alcohol and stuff but the undelying thing is that, HEY u dun knoew me well so stop judging me! ha!

i guess i had got to know layling, joan and a few others better. In fact, i find layling a veri nice and sweet girl, but too bad, there is no frequency between me and her at all. i just find it so tiring going after girls nowadays. hmmmm.... maybe my pms is acting up on me now! ha!

Suddenly, there is this lack of confidence that hit me in terms of my freindships with the SD people. I feel veri insecure, in the sense that i do not know if people do welcome me a not, or they are just playing along. Ha! Maybe i am thinking a bit too much. well then, time for me to hit my bed, i am just so tired today!

Life Sucks

2004-05-14T20:28:00.000-07:00

Morning... Damn, my head still hurts from last night. Well well, i really have to admit that holidays are the worst point of my life. Not only is it boring, but it takes up a hell lots of cash as well. All at the expense of myself! Damn, the drink yesterday was quite good, however, the price tag that came to us was a shocker. That was lots of money me, angeline, michelle, and a few others had spent! haha.... i guess i should cut down on my night life, i am ill anyway.

As a nice guy, i sent angeline home last night. i din expect her to invite me into her house, well, it was kinda embarrassing though. I mean, i felt pretty uneasy. As usual, we chatted till this morning and both us juz fell asleep on each other. Haha, and guess what, when her mom came into her room, she was like " 0_0 ", staring in disbelief that i was in her room for the whole entire night! Ha!

i guess angie knows how i felt towards her, despite me not saying a thing at all. but, somehow, i jus feel so uncertain. Could it be because angie is also widely popular among guys that gave me this sense of insecurity? I don't know seriously! But, one thing i do know, she is cute!